Walking to my home in Siegfried, I overheard a student criticizing our government. With a smirk, he intellectually pondered, “What the HELL does our vice president do?” while reversing his ‘Make America Great Again’ cap. In an attempt to solve this mystery for my fellow classmate, I’ve done the research and have found what one potential VP has been up to.…

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TAOS, NM – Announcing to a customer service representative that he was “asking for a friend,” presidential candidate Gary Johnson was seen walking into a local New Mexico grocery store earlier this week to apply for a shopping rewards card.

“So, hypothetically speaking, could someone ever be rejected from the rewards program?” the former governor, last seen donning a Bob Marley t-shirt at a UNM dorm party, asked.…

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Students, faculty, staff, most beloved and generous donors: Welcome to another year at Our Lady’s University.

You’ve likely already noticed some changes on campus, such as the creation of two new dorms and a new worldclass research facility.

All three buildings stand proudly on our brand new East Quad, the fruit of an unbelievable $2 billion gift from Todd and Marie East of Montreal.…

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Dear Auntie Mae... 

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With “nothing better to do” now that his campaign has officially ceased, former Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders visited Notre Dame to explore the university’s groundbreaking new sustainability initiative: “Inconvenient Trays.”

“See, the trays used to be over here,” University President Rev. John I. Jenkins said as he excitedly led the senator through South Dining Hall. “But now they’re all the way over here!” …

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Since 2009, a great absence has haunted this nation. The philosophical balance that drives this country forward has been replaced by acrimony and discord. Only one solution can restore harmony to our culture: Reuniting the original American Idol judges to moderate the 2016 presidential debates. 

In the halcyon days of the new millennium, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson guided the zeitgeist as judges on FOX’s American Idol. From 2002 until Abdul’s departure in 2009, this trio critiqued countless singers. With the guidance of the judges, America voted powerhouses like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Lee DeWyze to be our Idols, sending them to the top of our hearts before they reached the top of the charts. …

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Proclaiming that He is “really starting to question that whole ‘free will’ thing,” our good Lord has ordered an early snow this fall in response to the College Republicans’ recent endorsement of Donald Trump for President. 

Though He remarked that He did enjoy reading some of the comments on the group’s Facebook post, the Divine King admitted to accidentally setting a cornfield ablaze in Kansas while reading the pronouncement. …

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Man Calling Himself “Big Easy Bill” Offers Saxophone Lessons for Clinton

Though once a Bernie Sanders supporter, 18-year-old Eric Bartens is now waving a Clinton flag. When asked about the sudden change, Barten noted, “Some old guy with a funny accent behind my school said he’d buy me a Playstation 4 if I voted for Hillary. He told me to call him Big Easy Bill.” …

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Assuring his fellow classmate that “the brotherhood really makes it worthwhile,” freshman Hank Stevenson suggests that he really doesn’t mind having only one functioning showerhead on his floor.

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It’s 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday night, and you’re winding down for bed before your 9:25 tomorrow morning. You hop in bed, annoyed that your roommate isn’t even turning off the bedroom light and using the less-bright lamp by the futon to keep studying. You try for a few passive aggressive yawns, hoping she’ll go study in the section lounge, but she remains unmoved by your show of fatigue.…

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Now, as you come up this path, you’ll notice the Hesburgh Library. Built in 1963, it is currently being renovated in order to provide access to interdisciplinary and collaborative spaces, introduce state-of-the-art technologies and give a fresh, new space for my friend Becky to sit while she waits for that one kid in her foresight group to come 20 minutes late.…

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STANFORD HALL — College of Engineering sophomore Keith Richardson’s perspective on life has been completely uprooted by a Viewpoint article published in the Observer last Tuesday, sources report. Before reading the 3,000-word grandiloquent behemoth rife with both condescension and conviction, Richardson said his opinions lay on the complete opposite side of party lines. However, the path only begins here.…

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WASHINGTON — In a bipartisan effort to bring together opponents in an increasingly fiery election season, President Barack Obama invited all remaining presidential candidates to the White House on Thursday. Sources say the president was in high spirits throughout the day, cooking a roast with First Lady Michelle Obama and teaching Vice President Joe Biden how to make ice cream.…

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Project Objectives: Increase the client’s net kissing rate by 45% by the end of Spring Semester 2016. Current rate is at a steady 0% excluding “that one weird incident during the Sign of Peace.”

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I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve spent over two and a half years just itching to show my parents firsthand the black tie galas that take up most of our Fridays here on campus.

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We predicted the most noteworthy moments of the hip-hop mad genius’ future album releases.

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Spring Break simply can’t come soon enough.

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The language barrier is totally insurmountable.

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So this winter break, avoid the hassle of applications. Instead, stay on Netflix and stay networking, South Bend!

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Politics: Statisticians and pundits puzzle over results of recent 2016 Republican presidential nomination poll, with “Unsure,” “Tim Horton’s” and “Ben Carson” in a comfortable lead over other candidates.

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Church officials have announced that due to the uncovering of the Starbuck’s anti-Christian bias via CupGate, the use of Blessed Salted Caramel Latte in place of Holy Water will be halted in parishes across the U.S.

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Brian Kelly wants a bright red suit that he can wear to make his face seem like a more normal skin tone.

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No one likes being bored over Thanksgiving break, so the staff at Scholastic Humor has compiled a collection of real page turners to keep you busy until you GET to come back to campus.

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Church Bells from the Outside

The sacred music department is fuming after a sophomore snuck into the Basilica bell tower and played Adele’s “Hello.” Father Rocca was down with it, tears streaming down his face.

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THEO 20120 – The Lord at Liam’s: Finding Christ at the Student Health Center

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Here lie my predicted jokes from the fourth Republican Debate...

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A recent poll surveying all Fall Career Expo employers showed that the most valued skill for new employees to have is e-portfolio design and maintenance

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College can be overwhelming, so I’ve printed out these four fun pictures that I know will help get you through it.

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Nobody likes being told they’ll be spending the next several months living with some random stranger they know nothing about. Here are some quality tips to help you be the best roommate ever.

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It’s the second week of school — perhaps the most important week of your life — and it’s all culminating in this glorious moment: Activities Night.

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