Obscurer Staff Eagerly Awaits Death of Viewpoint Author’s Social Life

Author: Senior Scholastic Staff

Obscurer Staff Eagerly Awaits Death of Viewpoint Author’s Social Life

BASEMENT, SOUTH DINING HALL — In the early hours of Sunday morning, the Obscurer staff huddled around their computers, making last minute tweaks before submitting their latest issue in its final form.

“This kid’s about to be a dead man,” Obscurer staff writer Gregory Smith chuckled as he finalized his edits on a contributing columnist’s most recent opinion piece. “If I were him, I might not even leave my room tomorrow.”

“Yikes,” agreed editor Rebecca O’Meara, peering over Smith’s shoulder and cringing at the screen. “That guy’s in one of my roommate’s classes. She

was thinking about inviting him to her formal. And then he comes out with this crap?!”

“How bad are we talking?” called sports editor Hannah Fink from across the room. “Like, is this ‘The Irish Were Oppressed Too’ bad or ‘Slavery Was Actually Black People’s Fault’ bad?”

“Worse,” Smith and O’Meara replied in unison.

Aghast, Fink leaned back and removed her earbuds to ensure she was hearing them correctly. “Worse than both of those?”

“Yup,” O’Meara confirmed, shaking her head at the journalistic letter of resignation. “This dude should probably transfer.” s

“Or at least move off campus,” Smith agreed.

Fink, still unconvinced, rose from her seat and crossed the room to read alongside her colleagues. Her face paled as she processed the words. “Oh — oh my god,” she whispered, covering her hand with her mouth in shock. “Can we even publish this?”

O’Meara shrugged. “Freedom of speech, man.”

With a heavy sigh and a heavier heart, Fink sank back into her seat in defeat, editing another contributor’s Viewpoint: “How and Why I’m Going to Moon Vice President Pencil at Graduation.”