"

SOUTH BEND — Junior history major Kelly Connman made headlines this week when she sued her “History of American Labor” professor for failing her last semester. 

“I have done the research and I have presented the facts and, you know, I know that what I wrote is true. Professor Marx’s liberal bias is clearly clouding her judgment here,” Connman says.

The professor, whose name is actually Jennifer Morris, refutes this accusation. “Kelly’s final paper was total nonsense. She claimed FDR was a body snatcher, Social Security was a myth created by the Chinese and that labor unions were founded by aliens to destroy the human race.”

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Connman is fighting for the validity of her views. “Professor [Morris] may have her own version of American labor history, but I’m just presenting some alternative facts. And I’m entitled to have those. These are my beliefs, and suppressing them is fascism.”

When asked to distinguish between a fact and a belief, Connman mumbled a few syllables of gibberish that she claimed to be Mandarin.