Humor

COVID Clobbering Crumb Collectors

COVID Clobbering Crumb Collectors

Author: Nick Pesce

Notre Dame students aren’t the only ones struggling to make ends meet this semester. Data from the Department of Even Micro-er Economics on campus shows that the leftover food market, a main source of economic activity for the cockroach population, has nearly ground to a halt.  

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An email template for telling your professors you have COVID
Notre Dame Sees a Decrease in COVID-19 and an Increase in Bee Attacks
Library Lawn Reportedly Inspired by Pinterest, HGTV

Library Lawn Reportedly Inspired by Pinterest, HGTV

Author: Bridget Kelley

Adirondack chairs. Fire pits. Those lights that make you feel like you’re at an outdoor coffee shop in a gentrified neighborhood of your nearest major city. You know it as Library Lawn! One day it wasn’t there, and the next day you couldn’t get a seat. But how did campus’s favorite attraction come to be?…

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On-Campus Residents Banned From Having Friends
Notre Dame Quarantine Dating: A Comprehensive Survival Guide
COVID-19 Test Only Positive Thing Happening in Notre Dame Student’s Life Right Now

COVID-19 Test Only Positive Thing Happening in Notre Dame Student’s Life Right Now

Author: Mitchell Johnson

Faced with the possibility of another online semester, an unbelievably tense national political climate and a crushing sense of uncertainty surrounding everything she cares about, Notre Dame sophomore Katherine Davis has come to the somber realization that the results of her recent COVID-19 test constitute the only shred of positivity in her life right now.

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BC fans blissfully unaware that school even has a football team

BC fans blissfully unaware that school even has a football team

Author: Bridget Kelley

Upon hearing the announcement that Notre Dame would be joining the Atlantic Coast Conference for the 2020 football season, Scholastic reached out to students from several ACC institutions to get their take. Boston College fans were particularly angered by the news, as most of them remained secretly embittered by being denied admission to Notre Dame as high school seniors.

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How to Interact with a Mendoza College of Business Major
Coronavirus Scare: Should I still be out and about?
Fruit and Veggie Buddies Goes Virtual: An Inside Look at a Revamped South Bend Staple
Notre Dame Says Screw It, Let’s Implement Changes without Representation While Students Are Distracted

Notre Dame Says Screw It, Let’s Implement Changes without Representation While Students Are Distracted

Author: Mitchell Johnson

In a statement made earlier today, the University of Notre Dame announced plans for a sweeping set of rule changes slated to take effect beginning in the 2020-2021 school year. The new rules, many of which are likely to receive significant opposition from students, focus primarily on student life and housing. University officials felt that the global pandemic, while an unfortunate disruption to campus life, provided them with a unique opportunity to make these controversial yet necessary changes.

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By the Numbers: Stir Crazy Edition
How to Talk to an Arts and Letters Major

How to Talk to an Arts and Letters Major

Author: Genevieve Redsten

You, dear reader, have encountered an Arts and Letters major in his natural habitat. Gentle, sensitive creatures, Arts and Letters majors can disorient the unsuspecting passerby with their strong, yet perplexing, opinions. Proceed with caution.

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The Menace of Electric Scooters
Johnson Family Hall Ruled Off-Campus

Johnson Family Hall Ruled Off-Campus

Author: Mitchell Johnson

After a long-running investigation, university officials have ruled that Johnson Family Hall, the new Notre Dame women’s residence set to welcome 225 undergraduates next fall, fails to meet the specifications necessary to be considered an official on-campus residence.

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Zahm Freshmen Enter 2020 Presidential Race

Zahm Freshmen Enter 2020 Presidential Race

Author: Mitchell Johnson

Yesterday, freshmen Mick Bayes and Yawny O’Fawner of Zahm House made waves when they announced that they would enter the 2020 general presidential election. Sources tell Scholastic that Bayes and O’Fawner were able to exploit a little-known bureaucratic loophole to successfully launch their campaign for president and vice president of the United States, despite not participating in any primaries and being aged 19 and 18, respectively.…

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JayJay Jaykins' Election Rigged by Mafia Members

JayJay Jaykins' Election Rigged by Mafia Members

Author: Prasco, Joseph

I’m sure you’re well aware at this point that Rev. JayJay Jaykins, C.S.C. has been elected to his fourth term as university president. It was a unanimous decision by the Board of Trustees. You may be asking,

‘Why was he running unopposed?’ That’s the wrong question. What you should be asking is, “Who is this Board of Trustees?” And that, my friends, is what I shall explain.…

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Mo Bamba versus Mr. Brightside: Notre Dame's Anthem
Notre Dame to Introduce WWE-Style Presidential Debate
Pole Ryeann Disregards Curriculum, Defends Resignation Instead
10 Ways to Amp Up Your Freshman Dorm Party

10 Ways to Amp Up Your Freshman Dorm Party

Author: Krienke, Kimani

10. WALL DECORATIONS: These range from cardboard cutouts of your beverage of choice to flags that let it be known to everyone who enters the room that you’re from Boston and proud of it.

9. CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: An easy decoration you can leave up all year long without having to worry about taking it down when your parents or grandparents come to visit you. On nonparty days, they can also double as your main source of light because, let’s be honest, the main lights in the dorm room are terrible.…

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Notre Dame Students Say Study Abroad Did Not Change Their Lives
Swarovski Sparkles: The Case for Buying a Crystal Helmet
Welcome to Notre Dame: A Summer Camp Surprise
Notre Dame Bans Students From All Dorms
Sarcastic: Selective Amnesia Wipes Loss from Collective Memory Alabama 42, Notre Dame 14.
Sarcastic: Grab’n Go Introduces Exciting New Feature
Sarcastic: @FatherSorin Takes over Twitter