Humor

Student Literally Fakes It 'till He Makes It

Student Literally Fakes It 'till He Makes It

Author: Timmy Sullivan

A little-known name up to this point, Herman Bertier ‘94 is poised to become the next big success story of the University of Notre Dame. With a ritzy penthouse in New York, a flashy senior-level position in the world’s largest consulting firm and a penchant for throwing glamorous parties in his Hamptons country home, Mr. Bertier seems to have attained the Gatsby dream. But what is the story behind the man? 

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An Ode to Red Solo Cup Boy

An Ode to Red Solo Cup Boy

Author: Chris Frick

It was a crisp January morning. Winter break had just ended. South Bend was at its worst, and I, like the 10,000 other students on this campus, decided to hit the gym because while Santa worked hard over break, my grandma with a serious knack for cookie-making worked harder. I spent my entire break averaging about eight cookies eaten a day. Don’t do the math. 

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My Epic Spring Break

My Epic Spring Break

Author: Chris Frick

What’s up, partygoers (and losers)!? If you’re anything like me, spring break is all about three things: gettin’ schwifty, makin’ memories and a third thing!

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CCD Unveils New Off-Campus Program in Fort Lauderdale
Understanding the Chik-Fil-A Craze
Employee of the Month

Employee of the Month

Author: Chris Frick

I am the 38-time reigning Employee of the Month at The Huddle Mart in LaFortune Student Center, also known as LaFun to all you commoners.

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Touchdown Jesus Keeps Winking at Me
Home for the Holidays

Home for the Holidays

Author: Genevieve Redsten

Pretty soon, you’ll find yourself in the basement of someone’s parents’ house out in the suburbs, making awkward small talk with people you haven’t seen since graduation. Here are some people you’re guaranteed to see there:

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Off-Campus Seniors Attempt to Throw Huge Party, End Up Committing to Priesthood before Party even Happens
Freshman Performs “Candle in the Wind,” Ruins Karaoke Night
A Profile and Warning Against Those Who Hog the Laundry Machines
My Strange Addiction – Blowing Out Grotto Candles

My Strange Addiction – Blowing Out Grotto Candles

Author: Chris Frick

Let me just say that I am not a bad guy; in fact, I would consider myself to be a pretty good guy. I think about volunteering sometimes, I eat my vegetables and I regularly follow nine of the ten commandments (I occasionally covet my neighbor’s house). However, I do seem to have one fatal flaw that some may consider to be “irredeemable”: I need to blow out every single candle in the Grotto.

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Investment Banker Networking Email Spoof

Investment Banker Networking Email Spoof

Author: Chris Russo

Dear Mr. Bank of America,

My name is Preston McNickels, and I am a Notre Dame sophomore interested in breaking into the world of investment banking. I am certain that you must be extremely busy, so I am going to start off by apologizing profusely for taking up more than a second of your valuable time. I wanted to reach out to potentially set up a brief call to discuss your experience in the field.

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HERE, There, But Not The Dining Hall
Tips For Walking Alone

Tips For Walking Alone

Author: Ellie Hammerschmidt

Scholars worked tirelessly over the summer, concocting the following list to give you a few options for when you’re walking to class alone and trying to look ‘cool’ while doing so.

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Sophomore Tutor Utterly Unprepared After Year of Online School
Who is the Notre Dame Student Without a St. Patrick's Day Celebration?
COVID Underground Gambling Ring Exposed
“The Irish Bachelorette” Reboot
Dr. Fowchie Announces COVID-21 Pandemic: ‘Summer-itis’
 What Your Drink(ing Cup) Says About You
Duncan Student Center Playlist Finally Explained
Our Valiant Vaccinators: A Profile
Rev. JayJay Jaykins Declares State of Emergency  — “the Hardest Choices Require the Strongest Wills”
32 Dorms. 12 Unprecedented months. 1 Survivor.
Undercover at the Squash Club

Undercover at the Squash Club

Author: Nick Pesce

One student, who I’ll call Jack, opened my eyes to an underground squash ring that flew in the face of university pandemic policies. He also consented to me using his quotes in this article under the condition of anonymity.

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Return to ND has Students Flushing About

Return to ND has Students Flushing About

Author: Juliet Hare

Upon returning to campus after a two-month sabbatical, the worry of contracting COVID-19 has been replaced by an even more pressing threat to physical health: Notre Dame students have lost their investment in the university’s toilet tissue issue. Not only is the excitement of returning to campus disrupted by the gaping holes between stalls which permit the awkward locking of eyes with fellow Domers, students are also forced to endure ultra-rough and not-so-quilted TP across campus.

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(South) Lodge a Complaint

(South) Lodge a Complaint

Author: Nick Pesce

Controversy erupted on South Quad this past weekend as a ragtag group of extreme outdoorsmen showed up to newly established South Lodge expecting to find an actual hiking lodge.

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Saliva Kingpin Taken Down

Saliva Kingpin Taken Down

Author: Bridget Kelley

After watching the award-winning documentary “Icarus” on Netflix over winter break, Nick Salivatti had an idea. Inspired by the elaborate blood swapping scheme that allowed Russian athletes to test negative for use of performance-enhancing drugs, Salivatti realized he could run a similar racket based on campus’s hottest commodity: COVID-free spit.

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