Humor

“The Irish Bachelorette” Reboot
Our Valiant Vaccinators: A Profile
COVID Underground Gambling Ring Exposed
 What Your Drink(ing Cup) Says About You
Duncan Student Center Playlist Finally Explained
Dr. Fowchie Announces COVID-21 Pandemic: ‘Summer-itis’
32 Dorms. 12 Unprecedented months. 1 Survivor.
Rev. JayJay Jaykins Declares State of Emergency  — “the Hardest Choices Require the Strongest Wills”
Undercover at the Squash Club

Undercover at the Squash Club

Author: Nick Pesce

One student, who I’ll call Jack, opened my eyes to an underground squash ring that flew in the face of university pandemic policies. He also consented to me using his quotes in this article under the condition of anonymity.

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Saliva Kingpin Taken Down

Saliva Kingpin Taken Down

Author: Bridget Kelley

After watching the award-winning documentary “Icarus” on Netflix over winter break, Nick Salivatti had an idea. Inspired by the elaborate blood swapping scheme that allowed Russian athletes to test negative for use of performance-enhancing drugs, Salivatti realized he could run a similar racket based on campus’s hottest commodity: COVID-free spit.

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(South) Lodge a Complaint

(South) Lodge a Complaint

Author: Nick Pesce

Controversy erupted on South Quad this past weekend as a ragtag group of extreme outdoorsmen showed up to newly established South Lodge expecting to find an actual hiking lodge.

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Return to ND has Students Flushing About

Return to ND has Students Flushing About

Author: Juliet Hare

Upon returning to campus after a two-month sabbatical, the worry of contracting COVID-19 has been replaced by an even more pressing threat to physical health: Notre Dame students have lost their investment in the university’s toilet tissue issue. Not only is the excitement of returning to campus disrupted by the gaping holes between stalls which permit the awkward locking of eyes with fellow Domers, students are also forced to endure ultra-rough and not-so-quilted TP across campus.

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Thriving Alone
COVID Clobbering Crumb Collectors

COVID Clobbering Crumb Collectors

Author: Nick Pesce

Notre Dame students aren’t the only ones struggling to make ends meet this semester. Data from the Department of Even Micro-er Economics on campus shows that the leftover food market, a main source of economic activity for the cockroach population, has nearly ground to a halt.  

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An email template for telling your professors you have COVID
Notre Dame Sees a Decrease in COVID-19 and an Increase in Bee Attacks
Library Lawn Reportedly Inspired by Pinterest, HGTV

Library Lawn Reportedly Inspired by Pinterest, HGTV

Author: Bridget Kelley

Adirondack chairs. Fire pits. Those lights that make you feel like you’re at an outdoor coffee shop in a gentrified neighborhood of your nearest major city. You know it as Library Lawn! One day it wasn’t there, and the next day you couldn’t get a seat. But how did campus’s favorite attraction come to be?…

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On-Campus Residents Banned From Having Friends
Notre Dame Quarantine Dating: A Comprehensive Survival Guide
COVID-19 Test Only Positive Thing Happening in Notre Dame Student’s Life Right Now

COVID-19 Test Only Positive Thing Happening in Notre Dame Student’s Life Right Now

Author: Mitchell Johnson

Faced with the possibility of another online semester, an unbelievably tense national political climate and a crushing sense of uncertainty surrounding everything she cares about, Notre Dame sophomore Katherine Davis has come to the somber realization that the results of her recent COVID-19 test constitute the only shred of positivity in her life right now.

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BC fans blissfully unaware that school even has a football team

BC fans blissfully unaware that school even has a football team

Author: Bridget Kelley

Upon hearing the announcement that Notre Dame would be joining the Atlantic Coast Conference for the 2020 football season, Scholastic reached out to students from several ACC institutions to get their take. Boston College fans were particularly angered by the news, as most of them remained secretly embittered by being denied admission to Notre Dame as high school seniors.

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How to Interact with a Mendoza College of Business Major
Coronavirus Scare: Should I still be out and about?
Fruit and Veggie Buddies Goes Virtual: An Inside Look at a Revamped South Bend Staple
Notre Dame Says Screw It, Let’s Implement Changes without Representation While Students Are Distracted

Notre Dame Says Screw It, Let’s Implement Changes without Representation While Students Are Distracted

Author: Mitchell Johnson

In a statement made earlier today, the University of Notre Dame announced plans for a sweeping set of rule changes slated to take effect beginning in the 2020-2021 school year. The new rules, many of which are likely to receive significant opposition from students, focus primarily on student life and housing. University officials felt that the global pandemic, while an unfortunate disruption to campus life, provided them with a unique opportunity to make these controversial yet necessary changes.

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By the Numbers: Stir Crazy Edition
How to Talk to an Arts and Letters Major

How to Talk to an Arts and Letters Major

Author: Genevieve Redsten

You, dear reader, have encountered an Arts and Letters major in his natural habitat. Gentle, sensitive creatures, Arts and Letters majors can disorient the unsuspecting passerby with their strong, yet perplexing, opinions. Proceed with caution.

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The Menace of Electric Scooters
Johnson Family Hall Ruled Off-Campus

Johnson Family Hall Ruled Off-Campus

Author: Mitchell Johnson

After a long-running investigation, university officials have ruled that Johnson Family Hall, the new Notre Dame women’s residence set to welcome 225 undergraduates next fall, fails to meet the specifications necessary to be considered an official on-campus residence.

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