Thriving Alone
So you’re single … you must be or you wouldn’t be...
Sarcastic: Jaykins Introduces New Football Weekend Policy
Jaykins is attempting to implement yet another lucrative policy unrelated to improving student well-being.
Humor
Saint Mary’s College cuts ties with Notre Dame and immediately becomes the superior academic institution
In a long-held secret and strategic move, Saint Mary’s College cut ties with the University of Notre Dame earlier this month to become a completely independent academic institution, and it seems to be thriving as a result.
The Rigors of an Arts & Crafts Education
“I didn’t know how good I had it,” senior Mike Stemling lamented, describing his first three and a half years of hard science classes.
Father Pat McCormack Personally Funding Vine II: The Resurrection
It’s back. 22 months later, it’s back. Grab your friends, your props and your creativity because Vine is back.
10 Hot Tips to Spice Up YOUR Dining Hall Date
1. The way you set a table tells a girl everything she needs to know about you.
Dining Halls Start Serving AVOCADOS, Saving Students from Guac-Bottom Pits of Despair
In a move some are calling “the biggest improvement since women were admitted,” Notre Dame Campus Dining began serving avocados in the dining halls last week.
All’s Not Rite at the Snite
Just this morning, the news broke that Notre Dame’s Snite Museum of Art, one of the premier Notre Dame museums of art, is not what we thought.
How Can He Keep From Singing? Father Jaykins Steals the Show at Garth Brooks Concert
In a surprising and unprecedented move, Garth Brooks added a last-minute headliner to his Notre Dame concert: none other than Notre Dame president Fr. JayJay Jaykins, C.S.C. Jaykins took to the stage amidst confused but hopeful cheers, and he did not disappoint.
Tips and Tricks to Beat the Weather
Beautiful South Bend, land of river bends and terrible, terrible weather. Whether it is 4,000 degrees or minus 4,000 degrees, one thing is for sure: you have absolutely worn the wrong item.
Students Discover Garth Brooks
Scholastic culture editor and close personal friend of CMA Entertainer of the Year Garth Brooks Emma Ferdinandi asked me to write an article about Brooks’ on-campus fans.
No Sightings in Over a Fortnite
Following the recent football games, we thought we’d finally see at least a couple of them but it seems their disappearance is permanent. As we walk freely around campus, we women wonder: Is this St. Mary’s?
Run-Off Election Ends After Judicial Council Reduces Votes by 100%
The latest development in this year’s student government elections came early Tuesday morning, when campus media outlets received a press release by the Judicial Council announcing another round of sanctions.
Jaykins Changes Contraceptives Policy...Again
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Fr. Jaykins says. “If we keep changing our position, everyone will be happy at some point, right?”
North Dining Hall Bans Eggs
In order to restore balance to the universe following the reinstatement of Grab and Go, North Dining Hall has announced that they will no longer tolerate any eggs on their premises.
Christ Enters the Bengal Bouts Ring
In a Second Coming earlier than any theologians could have predicted, our Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ, appeared at the semifinals of Bengal Bouts during the week of Feb. 26.
Students Wait for Fighting Ireland Delegation to Arrive at the Olympics
America is abuzz with Winter Olympics fever, the one time every four years they can pretend to care about frolicking in the snow as if it were sport.
Women’s Basketball Beats Men’s Team by 200 Points
What started off as a fun scrimmage game between the men’s and women’s varsity basketball teams last week took a turn when the men’s team was unable to score a single basket.
Students Call for More Homework at March for Strife
Last month, over 1,000 Notre Dame students traveled to Washington, D.C. for the annual March for Life.
Duncan Student Center Breakdown
Hey, have you noticed that new monolith on the south end of campus?
Administration Reveals Plans for Useless Spending Lab
In a recent email that shocked the student body, the Office of the President unveiled plans to create a new research facility on campus.
ND Student Manages to Avoid Being Condescending to Public University Student Through a Whole Conversation
The most shocking story to emerge from Notre Dame’s recent fall break came from sophomore Emmett Conway of Stanford Hall.
New Study Reveals Football is a Sport
According to a new study from a coalition between the Pew Research Center, the CIA and the NCAA, football is indeed a sport.
Chandler Sorin Haunts the Stepan Center
Chandler Sorin, the younger brother of Fr. Edward Sorin, has taken over the strange, geodesic dome of the Stepan Center and refuses to leave.
Fr. Jaykins to Star in New Live-Action Remake of "A Goofy Movie"
Disney recently released a trailer for its latest live-action movie remake; this time, the entertainment company is remaking “A Goofy Movie.” The sure-to-be blockbuster will star none other than Rev. JayJay I. Jaykins, C.S.C. as the main character, Max. Fr. Jaykins scored the role with no previous acting experience after a generous donation of 60% of the University of Notre Dame’s endowment.…
DeBart Water Gains New Seasonal Flavor
On the first day of fall, Notre Dame rolled out its latest initiative to improve student life on campus: pumpkin spice flavored water from the DeBartolo water fountains.
North Dining Hall Renovations Still Somehow Creating Stir
A report published last week by the Pew Research Center suggests that 97% of Notre Dame students who eat at North Dining Hall still have not stopped talking about the renovations.
Student Uses 14 Meal Swipes at Once
Thanks to new dining policies on campus, students can now use multiple swipes in one meal period.
Father Jenkins Announces Plans for On-Campus Retirement Community
Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C. announced at 4 a.m. this morning that two new retirement communities will be added as part of the university’s new housing plan.
I Looked at the Eclipse and as Penance I Have to Read Everybody's Study Abroad Blogs
So I did it. God posed me a challenge, and just like the time with the yogurt, I rose to meet it. I’d like to see a stupid bead of light best me. Ha! It didn’t. And when the time came and all those birds flew in front of the sun, I lifted my naked eyes and beheld it.
Complete Opening of Campus Crossroads Postponed until 2078
The full opening of the Campus Crossroads project, originally set to open in spring 2018, has now been delayed by 60 years. Duncan Student Center, Corbett Family Hall and O’Neill Hall will remain closed for the duration of the school year, according to representatives of the project.