April (Fools) Spring
Check out the full-page comic featured in the 2026 Sarcastic!
Understanding the Chik-Fil-A Craze
The opening of Chick-Fil-A has sent shockwaves through the Duncan Student Center economy.
Humor
My Epic Spring Break
What’s up, partygoers (and losers)!? If you’re anything like me, spring break is all about three things: gettin’ schwifty, makin’ memories and a third thing!
Home for the Holidays
Pretty soon, you’ll find yourself in the basement of someone’s parents’ house out in the suburbs, making awkward small talk with people you haven’t seen since graduation. Here are some people you’re guaranteed to see there:
Touchdown Jesus Keeps Winking at Me
Ever since the start of this year, Touchdown Jesus has been winking at me whenever I’m on library quad.
Employee of the Month
I am the 38-time reigning Employee of the Month at The Huddle Mart in LaFortune Student Center, also known as LaFun to all you commoners.
Off-Campus Seniors Attempt to Throw Huge Party, End Up Committing to Priesthood before Party even Happens
A group of four seniors announced last month that they were going to throw the Kickoff Darty of the Century at their off-campus house on Cedar Street to welcome the new year.
Freshman Performs “Candle in the Wind,” Ruins Karaoke Night
This past Wednesday, students gathered in hordes at Guacamole’s Mexican Grill in Mishawaka, as they do nearly every Wednesday night. Per usual, the night was filled with “IDs” and limitless cheap margaritas.
A Profile and Warning Against Those Who Hog the Laundry Machines
I was alone in my room after dark, reverently sacrificing mushy dining hall bananas to the HERE™ spirits that lurk among my menagerie of green and white icons, when the spirits spoke to me: “Inform your fellow students that following laundry room etiquette helps to ensure public health and safety.”
My Strange Addiction – Blowing Out Grotto Candles
Let me just say that I am not a bad guy; in fact, I would consider myself to be a pretty good guy. I think about volunteering sometimes, I eat my vegetables and I regularly follow nine of the ten commandments (I occasionally covet my neighbor’s house). However, I do seem to have one fatal flaw that some may consider to be “irredeemable”: I need to blow out every single candle in the Grotto.
Investment Banker Networking Email Spoof
Dear Mr. Bank of America,
My name is Preston McNickels, and I am a Notre Dame sophomore interested in breaking into the world of investment banking. I am certain that you must be extremely busy, so I am going to start off by apologizing profusely for taking up more than a second of your valuable time. I wanted to reach out to potentially set up a brief call to discuss your experience in the field.
HERE, There, But Not The Dining Hall
Restrictions on student life from the top brass at Notre Dame rubbed a lot of people the wrong way.
Tips For Walking Alone
Scholars worked tirelessly over the summer, concocting the following list to give you a few options for when you’re walking to class alone and trying to look ‘cool’ while doing so.
Sophomore Tutor Utterly Unprepared After Year of Online School
It seems that a deep, campus-wide hatred of Zoom is not the only consequence of last year’s hybrid learning experience.
Who is the Notre Dame Student Without a St. Patrick's Day Celebration?
Despair hung heavily in the eyes of those once bright, young people. It was supposed to be a special day – a spectacular day – made just for us, the students of Notre Dame.
Duncan Student Center Playlist Finally Explained
When the Duncan family donated millions of dollars to build their student center, I doubt they imagined that the building’s vibe would be solely determined by a student employee with a deep nostalgia for 2000s pop music.
“The Irish Bachelorette” Reboot
With current regulations loosening, NDTV has decided to resurrect this show with a fresh cast of characters and a new romantic star.
Dr. Fowchie Announces COVID-21 Pandemic: ‘Summer-itis’
There is a lethargy haunting the quiet quadrangles of our quaint university.
COVID Underground Gambling Ring Exposed
Groundbreaking information has recently been brought to light surrounding the underground gambling ring that exists under Notre Dame Stadium.
What Your Drink(ing Cup) Says About You
You have a planner. You actually use it. It’s color-coded.
Our Valiant Vaccinators: A Profile
What compels a person to give up so much of their time for the cause? A sense of duty? A love of poking things? A heart of gold?
32 Dorms. 12 Unprecedented months. 1 Survivor.
A new banner replaces the HERE sign hanging down the front of the main building: “Survivor’s” iconic oval logo stamped with “outwit, outplay, outlast.”
Rev. JayJay Jaykins Declares State of Emergency — “the Hardest Choices Require the Strongest Wills”
Rev. JayJay Jaykins has assumed emergency authority, consolidating all university power beneath his office.
Undercover at the Squash Club
One student, who I’ll call Jack, opened my eyes to an underground squash ring that flew in the face of university pandemic policies. He also consented to me using his quotes in this article under the condition of anonymity.
Saliva Kingpin Taken Down
After watching the award-winning documentary “Icarus” on Netflix over winter break, Nick Salivatti had an idea. Inspired by the elaborate blood swapping scheme that allowed Russian athletes to test negative for use of performance-enhancing drugs, Salivatti realized he could run a similar racket based on campus’s hottest commodity: COVID-free spit.
(South) Lodge a Complaint
Controversy erupted on South Quad this past weekend as a ragtag group of extreme outdoorsmen showed up to newly established South Lodge expecting to find an actual hiking lodge.
Return to ND has Students Flushing About
Upon returning to campus after a two-month sabbatical, the worry of contracting COVID-19 has been replaced by an even more pressing threat to physical health: Notre Dame students have lost their investment in the university’s toilet tissue issue. Not only is the excitement of returning to campus disrupted by the gaping holes between stalls which permit the awkward locking of eyes with fellow Domers, students are also forced to endure ultra-rough and not-so-quilted TP across campus.
Thriving Alone
So you’re single … you must be or you wouldn’t be reading this incredibly helpful article on being single.
COVID Clobbering Crumb Collectors
Notre Dame students aren’t the only ones struggling to make ends meet this semester. Data from the Department of Even Micro-er Economics on campus shows that the leftover food market, a main source of economic activity for the cockroach population, has nearly ground to a halt.
An email template for telling your professors you have COVID
Now that over 10 percent of Notre Dame’s student body has officially contracted COVID-19, we here at Scholastic thought that we should provide a handy email template for informing your friends, family, professors and any other parties about your COVID-19 diagnosis.
Notre Dame Sees a Decrease in COVID-19 and an Increase in Bee Attacks
When gearing up to return back to campus, many students were concerned about their chances of contracting COVID-19, on top of many other perilous threats. In the scramble, we never saw the bees coming.