Swarovski Sparkles: The Case for Buying a Crystal Helmet

Author: Oscar Noem


Move over Golden Dome, there’s a sparkly new attraction on campus: the Swarovski Crystal Helmet (as well as the Swarovski Mini Crystal Helmet and Swarovski Crystal Football, of course). Available at the Hammes Bookstore for the low price of only $10,000, the Swarovski Helmet is handcrafted in the good old US of A with genuine crystals. It may be marketed as “one of the finest sports collectables available” but, according to one enterprising student, nothing this magnificent should be left on a shelf or some fancy spinning display case.

“Nobody’s going to understand the absolute splendor of this thing unless they see it,” said finance major Declan Harbrook. “Besides, I need something to complete my gameday ensemble for when I go to the tailgates. How much guacamole do you think that mini-helmet could hold?”

When Harbrook, the self-proclaimed “final form of the Notre Dame fan,” saw the Swarovski helmet on display, he knew immediately that it was up to him to rescue it from a life behind glass. “Student loans are a bit of a drawback, definitely,” Harbrook admitted when asked how he was planning to pay for it. “But there’s no way I’m letting that beauty go to waste in some rich dude’s attic." 

Harbrook hopes to defray the cost of student loans and purchase the Swarovski helmet set by starting a Kickstarter page. At press time, the page had earned a total of $0.00 in donations. The zealous fan isn’t discouraged.

“I believe in the Irish spirit,” Harbrook declared. “The Notre Dame family has always come together in times of crisis, and I know my fellow students will have my back. If every student contributed just $1.50, we’d have enough to rescue both the helmet and the mini-helmet with change to spare.”