Humor

Touchdown Jesus Keeps Winking at Me
Home for the Holidays

Home for the Holidays

Author: Genevieve Redsten

Pretty soon, you’ll find yourself in the basement of someone’s parents’ house out in the suburbs, making awkward small talk with people you haven’t seen since graduation. Here are some people you’re guaranteed to see there:

Read More

Freshman Performs “Candle in the Wind,” Ruins Karaoke Night
Off-Campus Seniors Attempt to Throw Huge Party, End Up Committing to Priesthood before Party even Happens
A Profile and Warning Against Those Who Hog the Laundry Machines
My Strange Addiction – Blowing Out Grotto Candles

My Strange Addiction – Blowing Out Grotto Candles

Author: Chris Frick

Let me just say that I am not a bad guy; in fact, I would consider myself to be a pretty good guy. I think about volunteering sometimes, I eat my vegetables and I regularly follow nine of the ten commandments (I occasionally covet my neighbor’s house). However, I do seem to have one fatal flaw that some may consider to be “irredeemable”: I need to blow out every single candle in the Grotto.

Read More

Investment Banker Networking Email Spoof

Investment Banker Networking Email Spoof

Author: Chris Russo

Dear Mr. Bank of America,

My name is Preston McNickels, and I am a Notre Dame sophomore interested in breaking into the world of investment banking. I am certain that you must be extremely busy, so I am going to start off by apologizing profusely for taking up more than a second of your valuable time. I wanted to reach out to potentially set up a brief call to discuss your experience in the field.

Read More

HERE, There, But Not The Dining Hall
Tips For Walking Alone

Tips For Walking Alone

Author: Ellie Hammerschmidt

Scholars worked tirelessly over the summer, concocting the following list to give you a few options for when you’re walking to class alone and trying to look ‘cool’ while doing so.

Read More

Sophomore Tutor Utterly Unprepared After Year of Online School
Who is the Notre Dame Student Without a St. Patrick's Day Celebration?
Duncan Student Center Playlist Finally Explained
“The Irish Bachelorette” Reboot
Dr. Fowchie Announces COVID-21 Pandemic: ‘Summer-itis’
COVID Underground Gambling Ring Exposed
 What Your Drink(ing Cup) Says About You
Our Valiant Vaccinators: A Profile
Rev. JayJay Jaykins Declares State of Emergency  — “the Hardest Choices Require the Strongest Wills”
32 Dorms. 12 Unprecedented months. 1 Survivor.
Undercover at the Squash Club

Undercover at the Squash Club

Author: Nick Pesce

One student, who I’ll call Jack, opened my eyes to an underground squash ring that flew in the face of university pandemic policies. He also consented to me using his quotes in this article under the condition of anonymity.

Read More

(South) Lodge a Complaint

(South) Lodge a Complaint

Author: Nick Pesce

Controversy erupted on South Quad this past weekend as a ragtag group of extreme outdoorsmen showed up to newly established South Lodge expecting to find an actual hiking lodge.

Read More

Saliva Kingpin Taken Down

Saliva Kingpin Taken Down

Author: Bridget Kelley

After watching the award-winning documentary “Icarus” on Netflix over winter break, Nick Salivatti had an idea. Inspired by the elaborate blood swapping scheme that allowed Russian athletes to test negative for use of performance-enhancing drugs, Salivatti realized he could run a similar racket based on campus’s hottest commodity: COVID-free spit.

Read More

Return to ND has Students Flushing About

Return to ND has Students Flushing About

Author: Juliet Hare

Upon returning to campus after a two-month sabbatical, the worry of contracting COVID-19 has been replaced by an even more pressing threat to physical health: Notre Dame students have lost their investment in the university’s toilet tissue issue. Not only is the excitement of returning to campus disrupted by the gaping holes between stalls which permit the awkward locking of eyes with fellow Domers, students are also forced to endure ultra-rough and not-so-quilted TP across campus.

Read More

An email template for telling your professors you have COVID
COVID Clobbering Crumb Collectors

COVID Clobbering Crumb Collectors

Author: Nick Pesce

Notre Dame students aren’t the only ones struggling to make ends meet this semester. Data from the Department of Even Micro-er Economics on campus shows that the leftover food market, a main source of economic activity for the cockroach population, has nearly ground to a halt.  

Read More

Thriving Alone
Notre Dame Sees a Decrease in COVID-19 and an Increase in Bee Attacks
Library Lawn Reportedly Inspired by Pinterest, HGTV

Library Lawn Reportedly Inspired by Pinterest, HGTV

Author: Bridget Kelley

Adirondack chairs. Fire pits. Those lights that make you feel like you’re at an outdoor coffee shop in a gentrified neighborhood of your nearest major city. You know it as Library Lawn! One day it wasn’t there, and the next day you couldn’t get a seat. But how did campus’s favorite attraction come to be?…

Read More

On-Campus Residents Banned From Having Friends