Humor

 Nearly Half of Notre Dame Squirrels Blinded by Solar Eclipse
Complete Opening of Campus Crossroads Postponed until 2078
Notre Dame senior enlightens classmates on what “real world” is really like
Students flock to quad on first warm day of spring, show how many balls they can throw
‘JESUS H. CHRIST’ Signature Appears on Disinvite Vice President Pencil Petition
Jaykins: I invited Pencil. Are you HAPPY NOW?
Dunne freshman learns he has high cholesterol after Keenan Revue encourages him to get checked
VIEWPOINT: Homeless people make me sad! :(
Pete Bootijudge concerned Notre Dame students a little too obsessed with him
Three people who would win Notre Dame Hunger Games
The Smirish Smover's guide to free speech
'Jesus H. Christ' signature appears in uninvite Vice President Pencil petition
Obscurer Staff Eagerly Awaits Death of Viewpoint Author’s Social Life
Deepak Chopra Crushed to Learn DPAC Not Named After Him
Three Tips to Perfect Your Lenten Sacrifice

Three Tips to Perfect Your Lenten Sacrifice

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

Lenten season is underway, and it’s time to be choose what to give up and how to tell everyone you know, have ever met or driven next to on the freeway. Don’t miss these three tips to truly make the most of your metaphorical 40-days-in-the-desert.

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Student's Dad Not Actually Republican

Student's Dad Not Actually Republican

Author: Jarissa Sabal

Notre Dame freshman Grace Muro came to college excited to explore new frontiers of societal rage, and this past election certainly didn’t disappoint. Unfortunately, however, Grace reports that during the election she often felt she couldn’t keep up with her friends — she just doesn’t have enough hardship to complain about.

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The Five Stages of Grief (for Students Coping with Utter Failure)
To her horror, sophomore realizes three minutes into meal that this is a dining hall date
Student Sues Professor over Failing Grade, Citing
Is It Okay to Punch a Nazi in the Face? Point/Counterpoint

Is It Okay to Punch a Nazi in the Face? Point/Counterpoint

Author: Liz Hynes

The Argument Against:

No! Violence is WRONG! Punching a Nazi brings you down to their level. By shoving your fist forcefully into their face, you are just as bad as the people whose words and actions made the Holocaust possible. Wars are not won with violence: They are won with firm handshakes, pinky promises and warm hugs. So the next time you encounter a Nazi, don’t punch them; send them a 45 page article from The Atlantic to open their eyes. I guarantee they’ll thank you for expanding their worldview!…

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Winter on the Quad

Winter on the Quad

Author: Megan Valley

Senior and proud Minnesotan John McNeill was seen walking around campus in shorts, a bro-tank and flip flops in late January after second semester started off with a heat wave. 

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Student Exhibits Appropriate Emotional Response Following Football Loss
College student begs Santa to pay off interest on student loans

College student begs Santa to pay off interest on student loans

Author: Megan Valley

Dear Santa,

During Thanksgiving break, I was only asked three questions:

“How are your grades this semester?” Please keep in mind that I now attend college — a good one, at that — and not my small, underfunded high school.

“Are you seeing anyone?” I’m actively avoiding anyone who considers me dateable at the moment, given the state of, well, everything.

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All the Times I Have Embarrassed Myself in a Fast Food Restaurant

All the Times I Have Embarrassed Myself in a Fast Food Restaurant

Author: Jack Riedy

Hello. My name is Jack. I am a 21-year-old person recovering from an accident. That was foreshadowing. Thank you for reading this piece. Can you guess how many of these stories take place in a McDonald’s? Three of these stories do that. That was also foreshadowing.

I tried to walk through a Florida McDonald’s drive-thru with my friend Kyle. We were in town for his older sister’s wedding. The doors to the McDonald’s across the street from our hotel were closed, but we could see employees working. They ignored our waves and told us over the speakers that we needed a vehicle to order food.…

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Area male sees nearby SMC student, is convinced she is ungodly attracted to him.

Area male sees nearby SMC student, is convinced she is ungodly attracted to him.

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

GOD QUAD – While walking to his Business Law class in Debartolo, sophomore Derek Tinsley saw a Saint Mary’s student entering Nieuwland Science Hall. The SMC student, senior Lacy Miller, did not make eye contact or do anything to indicate that she even noticed Tinsley’s presence, but Tinsley says he is sure there was more to her straight-ahead gaze.…

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5 Remaining Brian Kelly Horcruxes to Destroy Before 2017 Season
Party Super Lame Compared to How It Looked on Snapchat

Party Super Lame Compared to How It Looked on Snapchat

Author: Molly Murphy

It’s Saturday night. Your friends have dragged you to a party when all you wanted was to Netflix Gilmore Girls in your bed. Like a three-year-old, you declare, “Fine, I’ll go, but I won’t have fun.” And you mean it.

You put your hair in a low bun, the universal sign of minimal effort, and step out the door. You arrive to the party and realize that your already low expectations for the night will need to be lowered even further because the party is awful. Middle school dance, grandparents’ cocktail party, child-you-babysit-for’s-birthday-party level awful. But you are there, and you are determined not to waste the little effort that was exerted and have a semi-decent time.…

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Stein Thrilled That Running for President Has Finally Given Her 90s Folk-Rock Band Push It Needed

Stein Thrilled That Running for President Has Finally Given Her 90s Folk-Rock Band Push It Needed

Author: Julia Oksasoglu

Lamenting that low record sales have, until recently, precluded the group from making a new album, presidential hopeful Dr. Jill Stein expressed what she called “utter glee” in response to the traction her 90s band has been receiving lately. “Ever since John Oliver covered it on Last Week Tonight, our Circuits to the Sun

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Student Wonders If It Would Be Possible to Write in Corey Robinson

Student Wonders If It Would Be Possible to Write in Corey Robinson

Author: O'Neil, Alison

Faced with what he considers a grim selection of presidential candidates, freshman Charlie O’Connor was spotted wondering aloud if he could nominate Student Body President Corey Robinson for the presidency.

“I mean, you have to be at least 35 to be president,” mused 18-year-old O’Connor, who will be casting his first-ever vote on November 8th. “But on the other hand ... Corey Robinson still has more political experience than Trump, and he’s probably never deleted 33,000 important emails.”…

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