Just before curtains are drawn on our time here at Notre Dame, one final week awaits the senior class: senior week. One shot, one opportunity, to ruin everything you’ve built here in one moment. Will you capture it, or just let it slip? Senior week will see many olive branches extended between old…
Pre-race:
Spoiler: this is not one of those “I didn’t train at all and somehow ran 13.1 miles on vibes alone” stories. I actually like running. Voluntarily. For fun.
That being said, some context: my first ever cross-country race was a 5K in the English countryside,…
One of the two full-page comics featured in the 2026 Sarcastic!
Lately, I’ve been feeling off. Leading up to the Holy Half, I injured my ankle and couldn’t run. I was stagnant for most of Spring Break, and now with only a few weeks left until the half,* I had no idea how to keep training without running. That is, until a friend told me about beat biking. I had…
PUNCH THE MONKEY ON THE COVER!
The hit competition reality show “Survivor” first crossed our television screens in 2000 and has been on air ever since, with its 50th season premiering this month. In a recent social media post, host, showrunner and producer Jeff Probst announced that we can
…
We’ve all experienced him before. The guy who sat in front of you on the first day of lecture, whose dark brown eyes and perfect hair left you swooning at 9:25 a.m. As you walked out of class, hoping to accidentally bump into him on your way out the door, you immediately texted your best friends all…
First place:
Ryan Hall
Stars 5/5
(As a member of Ryan hall I am of course not biased AT ALL). I have met some of the most wonderful, precious, smart and driven women in Ryan Hall. I have seen Tuesday night cookies at FJs (our priest in residence and one of the sweetest people…
(In a British Accent) Dearest Gentle Reader,
It is with the greatest sense of duty that we address the Ton, and this author once again puts her quill to paper. The newest season is upon us, with four new episodes being introduced to society, and four more to come. The question must be asked,…
Fratres in Christo or Fratres in Sin? Last month, Stepan Center filled to capacity once again for the 50th annual Keenan Revue. Keenan Hall put on a show — complete with plenty of Sabrina Carpenter songs, homoeroticism, inappropriate humor and politically incorrect jokes about Notre Dame’s student…
I have spent the past several weeks immersed in the culture of an exotic tribe, isolated from the rest of civilization in a region known as Anaidni. After observing their customs extensively, I have ultimately concluded that I simply could never make sense of them. Void of rhyme or reason, their outrageous…
As Notre Dame students fall for “false spring” year after year, there is one second-semester phenomenon they can always rely on: ring by spring. The stereotype of meeting the love of your life at Notre Dame and getting engaged by senior spring is alive and well, and the pressure is on with only one…
The Irish have finally made a phone call that Matt Barrie has been begging to make on our behalf for months. Barrie’s comments, followed by many other professional and public pointed observations about staying independent and whining when they don’t make the playoffs, have gotten to Notre Dame, provoking…
Hey! Have you ever wanted to join a new student club at Notre Dame? ME TOO! I’ve put together some completely accurate and factually correct information about a few of the clubs that I’ve tried to join across campus. Take a look!
POLISH CLUB
If you’ve ever wanted to…
This past Friday, the Notre Dame Police Department (NDPD) detained senior Libby Garnett, who has been charged with unauthorized squatting and inadvertent arson. Firefighters were dispatched in response to a small fire on North Quad, in front of Farley Hall. The origin of the blaze was traced to a…
If you were to look up the term “fall from grace” in the dictionary right now, the first thing you’d see would be a photo showcasing the current state of our beloved South Dining Hall. Once a world-renowned eatery of legend, SDH has been stripped of its opulence and glory and reduced to a disheveled…
My drive — nine hours on the Pennsylvania Turnpike — to Notre Dame inspired some relief… and some fear. Even two years of university under my belt (and six times two years more of school otherwise) could not ameliorate any first day of school anxieties. Walking under the golden dome felt like exposing…
Has this ever happened to you? You wake up to the sun shining, the birds chirping, your skin glowing and … wait! Where’s the permacloud? You’re not in South Bend anymore.
You look around, and everything clicks: It’s the last day of break, and you’re halfway across the country, still in your…
I like to consider myself the loyal watchdog of South Bend’s reputation on campus. My ears perk up when I hear my hometown’s name. The other day at LaFun, the freshmen in the next booth over decided to discuss their dissatisfaction with their college town of choice.
“We actually go to college…
Alyssa tells the story of old friends reaching out for tickets. Just as it appears in the print issue, check it out!
We’re all too familiar with it: Notre Dame just scored another touchdown. It’s only the second quarter and we’re already ahead of our opponents by 28 points. For some reason or another, nobody around is able to stand upright. You watch in anticipation for the inevitable: the extra point. The kick…
Dear OSU Fan Who Heckled Me On My 9 a.m. Walk to DeBart,
Are you employed? Are you proud of yourself? Have you experienced any success in either your personal or professional life since you graduated high school 25 years ago? Are you from South Bend? Did Notre Dame reject you when you were…
It’s your brother! It’s your ex! No, it’s your Marriage Pact!
Late October is a beautiful time of year here on campus. Crunchy leaves under your feet, the beginnings of fall in the air and a message in your inbox telling you should marry someone with the same initials as your friend’s new boyfriend.…
ND and BYU’s Battle for the CFP Sparks Religious Tension
This election season, I am sure you have been inundated with requests from Taylor Swift, the NFL and your left leaning friends on why you need to get out and vote this November. But you know to be skeptical when it seems like everyone on this supposedly round Earth is saying the same thing. That’s…
Has this ever happened to you?
You’re talking to some clean-faced girl in a long skirt with braided hair, and you say something slightly left-leaning. It’s nothing crazy, just that you think healthcare should be free, or that we should increase the minimum wage or that Kamala is “brat.” Her…
I just turned 18, and, amongst the other joys that come with being a legal adult, I’ve been staring down one in particular for the past several weeks — voting.
Cue scene, this is Alyssa vs. the beast of absentee ballot registration. I came in ready to fight, equipped with my driver’s license,…
Hi, Notre Dame. My name is Alyssa, and I’m a first-year student in Ryan Hall. A little about me — I am very first-year. Very student. I pull up Google Maps every time I leave Ryan Hall. If you use a bike or skateboard or anything with wheels, there’s a 90% chance you have or will have run me over…
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