By the Numbers: Stir Crazy Edition
Emma Ferdinandi brings us this month's BTN from self-quarentine.
The Smirish Smover's guide to free speech
We conservatives are proud supporters of the First Amendment.
Humor
Obscurer Staff Eagerly Awaits Death of Viewpoint Author’s Social Life
BASEMENT, SOUTH DINING HALL — In the early hours of Sunday morning, the Obscurer staff huddled around their computers, making last minute tweaks before submitting their latest issue in its final form.
'Jesus H. Christ' signature appears in uninvite Vice President Pencil petition
Shortly after Rev. JayJay I. Jaykins, C.S.C.’s announcement that Vice President Mark Pencil would be speaking at the class of 2017’s commencement, an online petition began circulating to reverse the decision and rescind Pencil’s invitation.
Deepak Chopra Crushed to Learn DPAC Not Named After Him
In a surprise visit to campus last week, renowned self-help guru Deepak Chopra was met with disappointment upon discovering that the DeBartolo Performing Arts Center, more commonly referred to as “DPAC,” was not, in fact, his namesake.
The Five Stages of Grief (for Students Coping with Utter Failure)
The five stages of grief, as developed by psychologist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, are often applied to the experience of losing a loved one; however, many freshman pre-med majors have found its application to their feelings to be incredibly helpful after receiving their General Biology grades.
Student's Dad Not Actually Republican
Notre Dame freshman Grace Muro came to college excited to explore new frontiers of societal rage, and this past election certainly didn’t disappoint. Unfortunately, however, Grace reports that during the election she often felt she couldn’t keep up with her friends — she just doesn’t have enough hardship to complain about.
Three Tips to Perfect Your Lenten Sacrifice
Lenten season is underway, and it’s time to be choose what to give up and how to tell everyone you know, have ever met or driven next to on the freeway. Don’t miss these three tips to truly make the most of your metaphorical 40-days-in-the-desert.
To her horror, sophomore realizes three minutes into meal that this is a dining hall date
Sophomore Kathryn McQuillen arrived at South Dining Hall at 6:34pm on Thursday evening, four minutes late for her previously decided upon meal time with classmate Isaac Hallums.
Student Sues Professor over Failing Grade, Citing "Alternative Facts"
Junior history major Kelly Connman made headlines this week when she sued her “History of American Labor” professor for failing her last semester.
Is It Okay to Punch a Nazi in the Face? Point/Counterpoint
The Argument Against:
No! Violence is WRONG! Punching a Nazi brings you down to their level. By shoving your fist forcefully into their face, you are just as bad as the people whose words and actions made the Holocaust possible. Wars are not won with violence: They are won with firm handshakes, pinky promises and warm hugs. So the next time you encounter a Nazi, don’t punch them; send them a 45 page article from The Atlantic to open their eyes. I guarantee they’ll thank you for expanding their worldview!…
Winter on the Quad
Senior and proud Minnesotan John McNeill was seen walking around campus in shorts, a bro-tank and flip flops in late January after second semester started off with a heat wave.
Student Exhibits Appropriate Emotional Response Following Football Loss
After a grueling 34-31 loss to Virginia Tech, senior Trevor Green returned to his dorm and simply “got on with his day,” sources close to Green report.
College student begs Santa to pay off interest on student loans
Dear Santa,
During Thanksgiving break, I was only asked three questions:
“How are your grades this semester?” Please keep in mind that I now attend college — a good one, at that — and not my small, underfunded high school.
“Are you seeing anyone?” I’m actively avoiding anyone who considers me dateable at the moment, given the state of, well, everything.…
5 Remaining Brian Kelly Horcruxes to Destroy Before 2017 Season
Even after Van Gorder’s dismissal, Brian Kelly still has 5 more horcruxes that must be destroyed before Notre Dame can even begin to consider letting him go.
Area male sees nearby SMC student, is convinced she is ungodly attracted to him.
GOD QUAD – While walking to his Business Law class in Debartolo, sophomore Derek Tinsley saw a Saint Mary’s student entering Nieuwland Science Hall. The SMC student, senior Lacy Miller, did not make eye contact or do anything to indicate that she even noticed Tinsley’s presence, but Tinsley says he is sure there was more to her straight-ahead gaze.…
All the Times I Have Embarrassed Myself in a Fast Food Restaurant
Hello. My name is Jack. I am a 21-year-old person recovering from an accident. That was foreshadowing. Thank you for reading this piece. Can you guess how many of these stories take place in a McDonald’s? Three of these stories do that. That was also foreshadowing.
I tried to walk through a Florida McDonald’s drive-thru with my friend Kyle. We were in town for his older sister’s wedding. The doors to the McDonald’s across the street from our hotel were closed, but we could see employees working. They ignored our waves and told us over the speakers that we needed a vehicle to order food.…
Party Super Lame Compared to How It Looked on Snapchat
It’s Saturday night. Your friends have dragged you to a party when all you wanted was to Netflix Gilmore Girls in your bed. Like a three-year-old, you declare, “Fine, I’ll go, but I won’t have fun.” And you mean it.
You put your hair in a low bun, the universal sign of minimal effort, and step out the door. You arrive to the party and realize that your already low expectations for the night will need to be lowered even further because the party is awful. Middle school dance, grandparents’ cocktail party, child-you-babysit-for’s-birthday-party level awful. But you are there, and you are determined not to waste the little effort that was exerted and have a semi-decent time.…
Scenes from the Trump-Pence Women's Empowerment Tour
Throughout the past few weeks of the presidential campaign, the Republican ticket has begun a concentrated effort to boost its approval ratings among women voters. Scholastic tagged along for one stop on the “Trump-Pence Women’s Empowerment Tour,” a strategy which daughter-in-law Lara Trump says focuses on “women that [Donald Trump] has touched in very different ways.”…
Student Wonders If It Would Be Possible to Write in Corey Robinson
Faced with what he considers a grim selection of presidential candidates, freshman Charlie O’Connor was spotted wondering aloud if he could nominate Student Body President Corey Robinson for the presidency.
“I mean, you have to be at least 35 to be president,” mused 18-year-old O’Connor, who will be casting his first-ever vote on November 8th. “But on the other hand ... Corey Robinson still has more political experience than Trump, and he’s probably never deleted 33,000 important emails.”…
Stein Thrilled That Running for President Has Finally Given Her 90s Folk-Rock Band Push It Needed
Lamenting that low record sales have, until recently, precluded the group from making a new album, presidential hopeful Dr. Jill Stein expressed what she called “utter glee” in response to the traction her 90s band has been receiving lately. “Ever since John Oliver covered it on Last Week Tonight, our Circuits to the Sun…
5 People to Unfriend this Election Season
Every election season, Facebook and Twitter unite forces to amplify the ignorant, under-researched and highly irritating opinions that you don’t really care all that much about beyond the pictures of their dogs that they share sometimes. This election season, here are five people making their voices heard to unfollow or unfriend so that you don’t have to hear them.…
Lost in Acres of Corn, Kaine Stumbles upon Notre Dame
Walking to my home in Siegfried, I overheard a student criticizing our government. With a smirk, he intellectually pondered, “What the HELL does our vice president do?” while reversing his ‘Make America Great Again’ cap. In an attempt to solve this mystery for my fellow classmate, I’ve done the research and have found what one potential VP has been up to.…
Desperate for Acceptance, Johnson Applies for Local Grocery Store Rewards Card
TAOS, NM – Announcing to a customer service representative that he was “asking for a friend,” presidential candidate Gary Johnson was seen walking into a local New Mexico grocery store earlier this week to apply for a shopping rewards card.
“So, hypothetically speaking, could someone ever be rejected from the rewards program?” the former governor, last seen donning a Bob Marley t-shirt at a UNM dorm party, asked.…
A Message from Fr. John I. Jenkins
Students, faculty, staff, most beloved and generous donors: Welcome to another year at Our Lady’s University.
You’ve likely already noticed some changes on campus, such as the creation of two new dorms and a new worldclass research facility.
All three buildings stand proudly on our brand new East Quad, the fruit of an unbelievable $2 billion gift from Todd and Marie East of Montreal.…
Bernie Sanders Praises South Dining Hall “Tray Inconvenience”
With “nothing better to do” now that his campaign has officially ceased, former Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders visited Notre Dame to explore the university’s groundbreaking new sustainability initiative: “Inconvenient Trays.”
“See, the trays used to be over here,” University President Rev. John I. Jenkins said as he excitedly led the senator through South Dining Hall. “But now they’re all the way over here!” …
Reunite the Original American Idol Judges to Judge the 2016 Presidential Debates
Since 2009, a great absence has haunted this nation. The philosophical balance that drives this country forward has been replaced by acrimony and discord. Only one solution can restore harmony to our culture: Reuniting the original American Idol judges to moderate the 2016 presidential debates.
In the halcyon days of the new millennium, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson guided the zeitgeist as judges on FOX’s American Idol. From 2002 until Abdul’s departure in 2009, this trio critiqued countless singers. With the guidance of the judges, America voted powerhouses like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Lee DeWyze to be our Idols, sending them to the top of our hearts before they reached the top of the charts. …
God Orders October Snowfall Following College Republicans Trump Endorsement
Proclaiming that He is “really starting to question that whole ‘free will’ thing,” our good Lord has ordered an early snow this fall in response to the College Republicans’ recent endorsement of Donald Trump for President.
Though He remarked that He did enjoy reading some of the comments on the group’s Facebook post, the Divine King admitted to accidentally setting a cornfield ablaze in Kansas while reading the pronouncement. …
The Big Easy
Man Calling Himself “Big Easy Bill” Offers Saxophone Lessons for Clinton
Though once a Bernie Sanders supporter, 18-year-old Eric Bartens is now waving a Clinton flag. When asked about the sudden change, Barten noted, “Some old guy with a funny accent behind my school said he’d buy me a Playstation 4 if I voted for Hillary. He told me to call him Big Easy Bill.” …
"My dorm has a lot of community," defends student living in run-down, tuberculosis-infested building while speaking to Flaherty resident
Assuring his fellow classmate that “the brotherhood really makes it worthwhile,” freshman Hank Stevenson suggests that he really doesn’t mind having only one functioning showerhead on his floor.