Dating at Notre Dame
A recent campus poll indicated that when students were asked to...
Thriving Alone
So you’re single … you must be or you wouldn’t be reading this incredibly helpful article on being single.
Humor
COVID Clobbering Crumb Collectors
Notre Dame students aren’t the only ones struggling to make ends meet this semester. Data from the Department of Even Micro-er Economics on campus shows that the leftover food market, a main source of economic activity for the cockroach population, has nearly ground to a halt.
An email template for telling your professors you have COVID
Now that over 10 percent of Notre Dame’s student body has officially contracted COVID-19, we here at Scholastic thought that we should provide a handy email template for informing your friends, family, professors and any other parties about your COVID-19 diagnosis.
Notre Dame Sees a Decrease in COVID-19 and an Increase in Bee Attacks
When gearing up to return back to campus, many students were concerned about their chances of contracting COVID-19, on top of many other perilous threats. In the scramble, we never saw the bees coming.
Library Lawn Reportedly Inspired by Pinterest, HGTV
Adirondack chairs. Fire pits. Those lights that make you feel like you’re at an outdoor coffee shop in a gentrified neighborhood of your nearest major city. You know it as Library Lawn! One day it wasn’t there, and the next day you couldn’t get a seat. But how did campus’s favorite attraction come to be?…
On-Campus Residents Banned From Having Friends
In a leaked report from the office of Father JayJay I. Jaykins, C.S.C. a surprising clause appeared at the bottom of the page: students are banned from having friends on campus!
Notre Dame Quarantine Dating: A Comprehensive Survival Guide
Who says that COVID means we can no longer date? It’s my honor to introduce you to (drum roll please) — Notre Dame Quarantine Dating. Here is a survival guide for you to make your date count:
COVID-19 Test Only Positive Thing Happening in Notre Dame Student’s Life Right Now
Faced with the possibility of another online semester, an unbelievably tense national political climate and a crushing sense of uncertainty surrounding everything she cares about, Notre Dame sophomore Katherine Davis has come to the somber realization that the results of her recent COVID-19 test constitute the only shred of positivity in her life right now.
BC fans blissfully unaware that school even has a football team
Upon hearing the announcement that Notre Dame would be joining the Atlantic Coast Conference for the 2020 football season, Scholastic reached out to students from several ACC institutions to get their take. Boston College fans were particularly angered by the news, as most of them remained secretly embittered by being denied admission to Notre Dame as high school seniors.
Coronavirus Scare: Should I still be out and about?
Prasco answers the question on everyone's mind.
How to Interact with a Mendoza College of Business Major
While the most-cited advice in a recent survey of Notre Dame students suggests the best way to interact with them is “don’t,” here is a list of actions in case this interaction is unavoidable.
Notre Dame Says Screw It, Let’s Implement Changes without Representation While Students Are Distracted
In a statement made earlier today, the University of Notre Dame announced plans for a sweeping set of rule changes slated to take effect beginning in the 2020-2021 school year. The new rules, many of which are likely to receive significant opposition from students, focus primarily on student life and housing. University officials felt that the global pandemic, while an unfortunate disruption to campus life, provided them with a unique opportunity to make these controversial yet necessary changes.…
Fruit and Veggie Buddies Goes Virtual: An Inside Look at a Revamped South Bend Staple
As the official hype man for the local bar, Fruit and Vegetable Buddies, Nintendo has organized a mass Zoom party that will recreate the magic of a Thursday night in South Bend.
By the Numbers: Stir Crazy Edition
Emma Ferdinandi brings us this month's BTN from self-quarentine.
The Menace of Electric Scooters
I bring great news: by executive order of our university president, JayJay Jaykins, electric scooters have been forever banned from the campus of this great university.
How to Talk to an Arts and Letters Major
You, dear reader, have encountered an Arts and Letters major in his natural habitat. Gentle, sensitive creatures, Arts and Letters majors can disorient the unsuspecting passerby with their strong, yet perplexing, opinions. Proceed with caution.
Johnson Family Hall Ruled Off-Campus
After a long-running investigation, university officials have ruled that Johnson Family Hall, the new Notre Dame women’s residence set to welcome 225 undergraduates next fall, fails to meet the specifications necessary to be considered an official on-campus residence.
Zahm Freshmen Enter 2020 Presidential Race
Yesterday, freshmen Mick Bayes and Yawny O’Fawner of Zahm House made waves when they announced that they would enter the 2020 general presidential election. Sources tell Scholastic that Bayes and O’Fawner were able to exploit a little-known bureaucratic loophole to successfully launch their campaign for president and vice president of the United States, despite not participating in any primaries and being aged 19 and 18, respectively.…
Notre Dame to Introduce WWE-Style Presidential Debate
In October, Notre Dame made headlines by announcing that it would host the first U.S. presidential debate in the 2020 election series.
Mo Bamba versus Mr. Brightside: Notre Dame's Anthem
Picture a wholesome social gathering in a dorm room on a Friday night.
JayJay Jaykins' Election Rigged by Mafia Members
I’m sure you’re well aware at this point that Rev. JayJay Jaykins, C.S.C. has been elected to his fourth term as university president. It was a unanimous decision by the Board of Trustees. You may be asking,
‘Why was he running unopposed?’ That’s the wrong question. What you should be asking is, “Who is this Board of Trustees?” And that, my friends, is what I shall explain.…
Pole Ryeann Disregards Curriculum, Defends Resignation Instead
Former United States Speaker of the House and current Notre Dame professor of political science Pole Ryeann has spent his first four weeks of teaching repeatedly defending his controversial decision to resign from Congress last December, completely ignoring any attempts at covering course material.
10 Ways to Amp Up Your Freshman Dorm Party
10. WALL DECORATIONS: These range from cardboard cutouts of your beverage of choice to flags that let it be known to everyone who enters the room that you’re from Boston and proud of it.
9. CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: An easy decoration you can leave up all year long without having to worry about taking it down when your parents or grandparents come to visit you. On nonparty days, they can also double as your main source of light because, let’s be honest, the main lights in the dorm room are terrible.…
Notre Dame Students Say Study Abroad Did Not Change Their Lives
In a recent scandal involving Notre Dame International, several students have stepped forward with complaints that their study abroad experiences did not, in fact, change their lives.
Swarovski Sparkles: The Case for Buying a Crystal Helmet
Move over Golden Dome, there’s a sparkly new attraction on campus: the Swarovski Crystal Helmet (as well as the Swarovski Mini Crystal Helmet and Swarovski Crystal Football, of course).
Welcome to Notre Dame: A Summer Camp Surprise
For those who have experienced the hellscape that is Welcome Weekend, no explanation is necessary.
Notre Dame Bans Students From All Dorms
In a shocking development, the University of Notre Dame has announced a new policy banning students from all residence halls, effective immediately.
Sarcastic: Selective Amnesia Wipes Loss from Collective Memory Alabama 42, Notre Dame 14.
Ask any Notre Dame fans who attended the 2013 BCS NationalChampionship Game in Miami Gardens — hoping to witness the Irish’s first national title in a quarter-century — about that score and watch them self-destruct right before your very eyes.
Sarcastic: Grab’n Go Introduces Exciting New Feature
After the smashing success of RX Bars,introduced earlier this year, South Dining Hall is rolling out their newest addition to Grab’n Go: The RX Bar Bar.
Sarcastic: @FatherSorin Takes over Twitter
“Though I haven’t any idea how the magic box [email] works, or how the Twitter device reaches so many people, I thoroughly enjoy being in the thick of things,” @FatherSorin said.