Students Gone Wild

Author: Libby Garnett

A classroom of students studying"

Human beings have been known to possess a peculiar desire to observe other species of animals in the wild. This ritual is called a safari.

Yet, if you are not Queen Elizabeth or Steve Irwin, embarking on a safari may prove to be a daunting and ultimately unachievable goal. Fear not, fellow explorers. You don't need to journey to the Sahara or the Outback. To scratch your safari itch, look no further than the expansive savanna of the average Notre Dame classroom. I'll be your guide as we journey through this often hostile land and observe the many creatures who call it home.

The genus Slackerus contains a number of species native to the Notre Dame classroom. The Slackerus Narcolepsia is a creature with peculiar sleeping habits. Animals of this species are neither nocturnal nor diurnal — fascinatingly, they sleep exclusively during the hours in which they are in class. A close relative of theirs is the Slackerus Absentius. These creatures are exceptionally shy and often remain dormant for long, almost concerning, periods. You can be sure to spot them during “Sylly Week,” after which they tend to disappear for weeks on end. You may think they have dropped the class, but you will see them again — on exam day.

In the genus Inattentivus, you will find several species with which you are familiar. The Inattentivus Onlineshoppera is a beautiful creature with the capacity for intense focus. However, take note that this focus is almost exclusively directed at the various online shopping conquests that occupy its every move. This animal's cousin, the Inattentivus Emailia, is equally driven. These industrious creatures can be seen furiously responding to hundreds of emails in the span of 50 short minutes.

Like every wild land, the savanna of the Notre Dame classroom has its predators. In the genus Hungerus, you will find the most frightening of these predators. The Hungerus FullMealera is an animal known for its intense abhorrence of the dining hall. This creature prefers to eat all three meals from the discomfort of the tiny desk-chair contraptions in Debart 101.

Its close cousin, the Hungerus Infisnackera, not unlike a marsupial, maintains constant access to an infinite string of snack options conveniently tucked away in its Jansport pouch. A mutation of this animal resulted in the creation of the species Hungerus Nailbitera: a creature with an insatiable self-cannibalistic appetite for its own nails. It is possible that this appetite is boredom-driven, and thus dormant outside the bounds of the classroom. Nevertheless, I must warn you — you may find its behavior quite unsettling.

If you take one thing away from this safari, I hope it is an appreciation for the diverse wildlife that surrounds us each and every weekday.