I didn’t see any photos of you in Las Vegas for the BYU game, so I’m starting to question if you really went. Even if you did, it must not have been fun enough to post about it. I guess I saw you in a couple stories at Tao Beach Club. Vegas would explain your BeReal on a Spirit flight stuck on the tarmac. But, if you were really in Vegas, I would expect your Venmo feed to be littered with poker chip emojis. …
Everyone seems to want proof, or else it — whatever it may be — didn’t happen. We’re all familiar with the circa 2016 hashtag “pics or it didn’t happen.” Perhaps you don’t want to believe that you abide by this social guideline, but I’m here to inform you that you do.
Open your Snapchat. Maybe you’re done “keeping streaks,”’ but why are you still sharing your location with anyone on SnapMap? So that they know you’re still at your house — give or take about 75 feet.
Without fail, you always post a story or two when having a night out or an enviable, potentially FOMO-inducing experience. The next step is deciding whether to post it to your “real” story or your “private” story with a punny name, or your “private private” story with only a select few friends from high school.
At the very least you’re going to take a photo of your entrée at dinner. I know we’re past the “phone eats first” era, but the muscle memory is just too strong.
Let’s jump to Instagram, a more mature and manicured platform. Maybe you only post every once in a while, but it will most certainly be the best photos and experiences you have to offer. Even summer reading must be documented, and an Instagram story is the perfect place to post a Colleen Hoover novel basking in the sun on a perfectly staged beach towel.
BeReal? Please BeHonest… the social media space-time continuum has been broken, and users have the opportunity to post a selfie and outfacing photo at the same time.
We even feel the need to make our bank transactions public. “@JackSmith-17 paid @Tom-Gerard-2: rent.” To make these odd exchanges even weirder we add an emoji to let our friends know we’ve paid them money. “@Graceee-Johnsonnn paid @Sara-Shultz: fun night *insert woman in red dress dancing*”
Don’t be so quick to forget your Apple Watch. Did you really hit 10,000 steps if your wearable fitness tech didn’t track it? To make things even better, let’s share the number of calories you have or haven’t burned today with all of your best friends.
Do you have a job? Where do you work? How long have you worked there? Have you ever felt the need to answer all of those questions for whoever might have been stalking you?
“I am beyond humbled to announce that I have accepted a full-time offer at [given company] in [random city… probably Chicago].” Sound familiar? Of course it does. Some 20 people in your “network” just crafted this post on LinkedIn. And you will follow suit. Otherwise, everyone you know will automatically assume you are unemployed.
Fall semester photo dump just hit my feed. Yes, you went to Vegas. That pool party looked fun. Seems like you had a great fall semester. I’m actually really impressed with your fitness routine. I’m glad to know you’re paying your friends back in a timely manner for “Chipoat-lay *insert burrito emoji.*” You know what, I’m even happy you got your dream job. As much as I want to blame you for plastering your life all over the internet, I’m equally as guilty for keeping up.