Student Literally Fakes It ‘till He Makes It

A little-known name up to this point, Herman Bertier ‘94 is poised to become the next big success story of the University of Notre Dame. With a ritzy penthouse in New York, a flashy senior-level position in the world’s largest consulting firm and a penchant for throwing glamorous parties in his Hamptons country home, Mr. Bertier seems to have attained the Gatsby dream. But what is the story behind the man? 

Mr. Bertier’s friends described him as an “A-grade procrastinator.” Once, while taking classes in the Mendoza College of Business, Mr. Bertier had a presentation worth 50% of his grade. With no slides to speak of, let alone sources to back up his hot takes, he enchanted the class with his stammering oration for the better part of 30 minutes. As an avid participant in campus clubs, his meetings were legendary — always sure to cover just too much for a simple email, but yet not enough to be actually worthwhile. All in all, he can best be summed up by the performance evaluation given after his Junior year internship: “His cover letter literally opened with the wrong company address [editor’s note: Mr. Bertier says he is an avid user of, as he calls it, the “one-size-fits-all cover letter”], but we had to give him the job for the lengths he goes to do as little as possible.” Indeed, Mr. Bertier has spent many hours gaslighting and gatekeeping his friends over endless plates of dining hall biscuits n’ gravy to polish his “BSing” skills to a perfect shine. Bertier truly gives renewed meaning to the saying “you are what you eat.” 

Overall, Mr. Bertier clearly possesses a savant-like ability to survey the market, and, like any good businessman, find the niche. When he peered out into the modern American workplace (finding particularly good inspiration from the good ‘ole administration right here under the golden dome), he saw the intense demand for people who truly have no idea what they are doing. He then understood the schtick: The modern white-collar American need not be actually competent or skilled at what they do, they just have to meet the minimum requirements of the job description. So, Bertier did what he knew best, and the results? Well, they speak for themselves.

So, here’s to Mr. Bertier, and all those other “BSers” who walk the halls and grace the quads of this esteemed institution. I for one, writing this story at the last possible second, am a massive fan of their work and hope to be like them someday…if I get around to it.