A little-known name up to this point, Herman Bertier ‘94 is poised to become the next big success story of the University of Notre Dame. With a ritzy penthouse in New York, a flashy senior-level position in the world’s largest consulting firm and a penchant for throwing glamorous parties in his Hamptons country home, Mr. Bertier seems to have attained the Gatsby dream. But what is the story behind the man? 

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It was a crisp January morning. Winter break had just ended. South Bend was at its worst, and I, like the 10,000 other students on this campus, decided to hit the gym because while Santa worked hard over break, my grandma with a serious knack for cookie-making worked harder. I spent my entire break averaging about eight cookies eaten a day. Don’t do the math. 

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What’s up, partygoers (and losers)!? If you’re anything like me, spring break is all about three things: gettin’ schwifty, makin’ memories and a third thing!

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In a recent press release, the Center for Career Development announced the commencement of a novel week-long experience for students interested in expanding their intellectual, social, professional and spiritual horizons in sunny Fort Lauderdale, Florida. 

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The opening of Chick-Fil-A has sent shockwaves through the Duncan Student Center economy.

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I am the 38-time reigning Employee of the Month at The Huddle Mart in LaFortune Student Center, also known as LaFun to all you commoners.

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Ever since the start of this year, Touchdown Jesus has been winking at me whenever I’m on library quad.

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Pretty soon, you’ll find yourself in the basement of someone’s parents’ house out in the suburbs, making awkward small talk with people you haven’t seen since graduation. Here are some people you’re guaranteed to see there:

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A group of four seniors announced last month that they were going to throw the Kickoff Darty of the Century at their off-campus house on Cedar Street to welcome the new year.

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This past Wednesday, students gathered in hordes at Guacamole’s Mexican Grill in Mishawaka, as they do nearly every Wednesday night. Per usual, the night was filled with  “IDs” and limitless cheap margaritas.

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I was alone in my room after dark, reverently sacrificing mushy dining hall bananas to the HERE™ spirits that lurk among my menagerie of green and white icons, when the spirits spoke to me: “Inform your fellow students that following laundry room etiquette helps to ensure public health and safety.”

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Let me just say that I am not a bad guy; in fact, I would consider myself to be a pretty good guy. I think about volunteering sometimes, I eat my vegetables and I regularly follow nine of the ten commandments (I occasionally covet my neighbor’s house). However, I do seem to have one fatal flaw that some may consider to be “irredeemable”: I need to blow out every single candle in the Grotto.

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Dear Mr. Bank of America,

My name is Preston McNickels, and I am a Notre Dame sophomore interested in breaking into the world of investment banking. I am certain that you must be extremely busy, so I am going to start off by apologizing profusely for taking up more than a second of your valuable time. I wanted to reach out to potentially set up a brief call to discuss your experience in the field.

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Restrictions on student life from the top brass at Notre Dame rubbed a lot of people the wrong way.

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Scholars worked tirelessly over the summer, concocting the following list to give you a few options for when you’re walking to class alone and trying to look ‘cool’ while doing so.

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It seems that a deep, campus-wide hatred of Zoom is not the only consequence of last year’s hybrid learning experience.

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Despair hung heavily in the eyes of those once bright, young people. It was supposed to be a special day – a spectacular day – made just for us, the students of Notre Dame.

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Groundbreaking information has recently been brought to light surrounding the underground gambling ring that exists under Notre Dame Stadium.

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With current regulations loosening, NDTV has decided to resurrect this show with a fresh cast of characters and a new romantic star.

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There is a lethargy haunting the quiet quadrangles of our quaint university.

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You have a planner. You actually use it. It’s color-coded.

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When the Duncan family donated millions of dollars to build their student center, I doubt they imagined that the building’s vibe would be solely determined by a student employee with a deep nostalgia for 2000s pop music.

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What compels a person to give up so much of their time for the cause? A sense of duty? A love of poking things? A heart of gold?

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Rev. JayJay Jaykins has assumed emergency authority, consolidating all university power beneath his office.

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A new banner replaces the HERE sign hanging down the front of the main building: “Survivor’s” iconic oval logo stamped with “outwit, outplay, outlast.”

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One student, who I’ll call Jack, opened my eyes to an underground squash ring that flew in the face of university pandemic policies. He also consented to me using his quotes in this article under the condition of anonymity.

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Upon returning to campus after a two-month sabbatical, the worry of contracting COVID-19 has been replaced by an even more pressing threat to physical health: Notre Dame students have lost their investment in the university’s toilet tissue issue. Not only is the excitement of returning to campus disrupted by the gaping holes between stalls which permit the awkward locking of eyes with fellow Domers, students are also forced to endure ultra-rough and not-so-quilted TP across campus.

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Controversy erupted on South Quad this past weekend as a ragtag group of extreme outdoorsmen showed up to newly established South Lodge expecting to find an actual hiking lodge.

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After watching the award-winning documentary “Icarus” on Netflix over winter break, Nick Salivatti had an idea. Inspired by the elaborate blood swapping scheme that allowed Russian athletes to test negative for use of performance-enhancing drugs, Salivatti realized he could run a similar racket based on campus’s hottest commodity: COVID-free spit.

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