Dear OSU Fan Who Heckled Me On My 9 a.m. Walk to DeBart,

Are you employed? Are you proud of yourself? Have you experienced any success in either your personal or professional life since you graduated high school 25 years ago? Are you from South Bend? Did Notre Dame reject you when you were 17, and have you still never forgiven them? Or worse — are you from Ohio? Did you wake up at 5 a.m. and drive all the way here just to prowl about the campus seeking the ruin of days?

Are you ignorant, or simply cruel? Have you never heard of taking the high road? Actually — I want to thank you. Because after going through the stages of grief last night, encountering you helped me backtrack from depression to anger, and that’s a much more manageable emotion. They say that bulls don’t actually hate the color red, but that they run at it because they like it. That’s how I know I’m not a bull. I hate red, and it took everything in me not to charge when I saw you clad in it from head to toe.

Let’s talk mascots. What the hell is a buckeye? Your mascot is a nut? And it’s not even an edible one. That just might be worse than the Stanford Tree.

I’m not proud of what I called you under my breath as you walked away. Actually ... I am. It’s a shame it can’t be put in print. Maybe you’d finally gain some self-awareness.

Sincerely,

Morose in Moreau