There is a strong sentiment among the students of our lovely tri-campus community that we noble journeymen along the path of higher education are making South Bend a better place. We descend upon the Bend each year with the air of an English aristocrat visiting the lowly colonies, seeing our mere presence as a gift to the local people, culture and economy.

I have heard it said by students that South Bend without Notre Dame is just Gary, Indiana. While there may be some genuinely positive exchanges, I might ask us to keep in mind our own behavior when we speak of our part-time hometown. Don’t ask yourself, what is South Bend without Notre Dame? Ask yourself, what is South Bend without me?

I won’t deny the true benefactors among the student body, the loyalists of Back the Bend and those who have never scammed a Grubhub order from a local restaurant and I know each and every reader of this fine publication is among this minority. But think of those citizens lesser than you and me, dear reader.

There are oh so many of us without whom South Bend’s fate may be in question. Who would prop up the sweet little mom-and-pop stores over on Eddy Street? Who would vomit in the alley behind Olfs? Who would drive another bag of totally normal gummy bears for adults back from our red-eyed, mitten-shaped northern neighbors?

It is easy to fault these actors for committing harm against the city. . But let us not condemn them without considering the alternative. Without these Notre Dame students holding it back, South Bend would rise too quickly. Freed from the dregs of its lowliest citizens, the empire that could spread itself too thin. Its formerly elected leader, Mayor Pete, would ride down from his new Michigan home, cross the St. Joe River and destroy the Republic to reclaim his rightful throne. The era of the South Bendpire would be glorious, but all empires must fall.

Indeed, these dastardly actions, these late-night hijinks, these cross-faded crimes are the only thing keeping this city from a rise and fall we haven’t seen since the days of Rome. As Bane said before reigning in Gotham, “I may be evil, but I am a necessary evil.” 

It is upon our humble shoulders that these civic duties rest. Cicero said, “It is essential to every inquiry about duty that we keep before our eyes how far superior man is by nature to cattle and other beasts: they have no thought except for sensual pleasure and this they are impelled by every instinct to seek.”

I say “Shut up, Cicero! Steal street signs for your dorm room! Cheat at local trivia nights! Commit tax fraud!”

These are the last barriers between us and a South Bend sacked by the Visigoths. Fellow students, our own barbarity is all that keeps civility an option. And, to the locals, there’s only one thing to say. You’re welcome.