Fratres in Christo or Fratres in Sin? Last month, Stepan Center filled to capacity once again for the 50th annual Keenan Revue. Keenan Hall put on a show — complete with plenty of Sabrina Carpenter songs, homoeroticism, inappropriate humor and politically incorrect jokes about Notre Dame’s student body and the wider world — for three spectacular nights, earning rave reviews from much of the student body. Many believe that the Keenan Revue’s provocative nature is what sets it apart, but not everyone on campus enjoys the raunchiness of the infamous comedic event. In fact, a growing number of Notre Dame students believe that the Revue has simply gone too far.... and gotten too woke. They believe that the campus deserves a new performance that keeps the entertainment and removes any purported diversions from respectable American Catholic values.

Enter the Turning Point ND All-American Revue. Sponsored and performed by ND College Republicans, this new sketch comedy which Kid Rock and other conservative acts performed to protest Bad Bunny’s “woke” official NFL broadcast. They hope the All-American Revue will be just as successful.

“Anyone who has seen the Keenan Revue knows its agenda. It is a full-scale promotion of homosexuality and cross-dressing that assaults our university’s Catholic family values,” the chairperson of the All-American Revue told Scholastic. “Notre Dame students are sick of this satanic nonsense, and I believe that the All-American Revue will outperform their un-American one. We have to draw a line.” He added that the Keenan Revue directly sponsored communist causes by financially supporting Dismas House, a shadow “charity” organization that reportedly assists formerly incarcerated people.

Although the show is still in the planning stages, there are already rumours circulating about its setlist. Most of the show will be performed by College Republicans members, with Old College featured as a special guest to deliver an opening prayer. Sketches currently in the works include “How To Obey Parietals Properly,” “The Stupid Second Floor of LaFun is Too Woke,” and “My ROTC Friend Got Deployed to Iran (This is a Good Thing).” The Keenan Revue sketch involving Donald Trump and his cabinet from this year’s show will be reprised with all comments that could negatively damage the perception of the President removed, and all

cabinet members who have been fired or dishonorably removed from office written off.

The infamous strip numbers are rumoured to be replaced by sacred music performances by the Notre Dame Liturgical Choir, who will reportedly be fully clothed. The choice between campus choirs was a rather difficult one. Folk Choir was ultimately deemed too alternative and modernistic for the tradition-rooted event, and Magnificat Choir was deemed too female. Drag will be permitted in only one musical number: a musical cover of Super Bass by Turning Point activist Nicki Minaj. Irish Rover will be handling all press and marketing.

Revue leaders appear to be rather unfazed by their new competition. Calling the allegations of immorality “ridiculous and hilarious,” a prominent source within Keenan asserted that he had no doubts that the Keenan show would fill far more seats than the All-American one. “The Keenan Revue is a liberatory and frankly revolutionary celebration of the masculine form and the uncensored human experience. Like all great art, it is designed to push against the boundaries of the heteronormative, binary, and capitalist society in which it exists,” stated junior Strategic Management major Patrick Matthew DeBartolo-McCourtney III. “Also, choir? Old College? Sounds pretty fruity.”

Another Keenan Knight urged campus Republicans to simply change their perspective. “When you think about it, the Revue is the most conservative institution on campus,” the student told Scholastic. “We literally just flex our muscles, publicly humiliate our freshmen, call girls fat skanks, and make gay jokes for three hours straight. And the University fully supports this! In 2026!” When asked about the extremely impassioned performances that he has delivered in full drag for four consecutive years, the student nervously said that it was “just guys being dudes” and promptly ended the interview.

The Turning Point ND All-American Revue will open on Feb. 27, 2027, with ticket sales held on Feb. 15. All proceeds will go to Turning Point ND’s recently established fund to abolish PrismND, the GRC, Walk the Walk Week, and “all the other dumb woke stuff.”