If you were to look up the term “fall from grace” in the dictionary right now, the first thing you’d see would be a photo showcasing the current state of our beloved South Dining Hall. Once a world-renowned eatery of legend, SDH has been stripped of its opulence and glory and reduced to a disheveled husk of its former self. When the only drinks you can get are milk and five types of water with different vegetables floating in them, you know it’s bad.

As I sat alone at one of the tables one bright and sunny afternoon, glancing around at the sorry state of my surroundings, I found myself thinking. . . if I was in charge of renovating SDH, what would I do? Would I be able to redeem our beloved dining hall? Could I somehow rise to the Herculean task of making the new iteration an improvement over the old one?

I’d definitely give the drink station an upgrade. Tired of milk? Try one of our many soda options. We’ve got both Coca-Cola and Pepsi products, as well as a smattering of new arrivals, including a variety of food-flavored sodas (featuring hit flavors such as ranch dressing, sweet corn, and buffalo wings) and Beverly.

Not tired of milk? Good, because the milk station would also get a serious upgrade. In addition to regular milk, we’d have low-fat, skim, whole, half & half, ¼ & ¾, 1 percent, 2 percent, 3 percent, 7 percent, 23 percent, and, of course, the infamous “grilk” (green milk) created to celebrate the release of “A Minecraft Movie” in early 2025.

As for the food, we’d bring back the carving station, now featuring zebra and ostrich meat on Wednesdays from 7:17 to 8:33 p.m. I’d add a boil-it-yourself lobster station where you’d need to fish your chosen live lobster out of the tank (safety gloves not included). For dessert, in addition to a 24/7 chocolate fountain, there‘d be a 200-pound slab of jello shaped like the Fightin’ Irish mascot for students to enjoy every Friday night.

But that’s just the food. What about the actual structure of the dining hall itself?

I’d make it even more convenient to travel between the two dining rooms. Want to get to the other side, but don’t have the energy to walk a few hundred feet? Hop on the SDH Speedrail, a high-velocity train car that travels between both dining rooms every 18.42 seconds on the dot. Not fast enough? Try one of our experimental teleportation pods. (Note: If you get into a teleporter, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER bring ANY food with you. We CANNOT have a repeat of the “head of lettuce” incident.)

But alas. . . unfortunately for the Notre Dame community, I’m not in charge of the SDH renovation, so this grand and glorious plan will remain naught but a dream. In today’s world, though, anything’s possible. Who knows? Maybe I can at least convince the folks in charge to put one of those big inflatable dinosaurs on the roof during game weekends.