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This election season, I am sure you have been inundated with requests from Taylor Swift, the NFL and your left leaning friends on why you need to get out and vote this November. But you know to be skeptical when it seems like everyone on this supposedly round Earth is saying the same thing. That’s why I’m here, to provide you with all the best reasons to stay home this Nov. 5.

You live anywhere other than these places. I know you’re passionate, but you’re also from New Jersey. Maybe one day you can live in Phoenix and have a real say in who governs you, but not this year!

Tuesday? Really, still Tuesday? Honestly, I feel like we could’ve figured this out by now.

Your vote reaffirms a system that offers an illusion of change and hope while only further entrenching those who seek to divide us, stripping our rights in the name of a democracy that has been long forgotten and subverted in the name of dynastic corporate control. So be it, Brothers still serves $2 beers on Wednesdays and the Middle East sounds far enough away.

You are planning on voting for Jill Stein. I am so sorry guys, but I just don’t think this is your year. No worries, though. Once Florida is completely submerged, I am sure the Green Party can surge up to the full percentage points.

You are from any of these places, but you would really like to annoy your poli-sci friend. He’s from Vermont and you’re from Michigan and boy would it bother him to hear you ask, “Wait, I thought Joel Biron was running for president?” come Election Day.

You can’t be bothered to mail the form in for that remote vote ballot. You know it will take only a total of 13 minutes of minimum effort, but you are oh so good at procrastinating away those rights you’re always hearing about.

They’ll be airing reruns of classic WrestleMania matches on Nov. 5. Enough said, I shan't be leaving the couch if the opium for the masses includes Randy Orton cage matches.