A Profile and Warning Against Those Who Hog the Laundry Machines

Author: Joseph London


I was alone in my room after dark, reverently sacrificing mushy dining hall bananas to the HERE spirits that lurk among my menagerie of green and white icons, when the spirits spoke to me: 

“Inform your fellow students that following laundry room etiquette helps to ensure public health and safety.”

I will be neither prophet nor ambassador. Nevertheless, let it be known that people who habitually leave laundry unattended in the machines for hours, or even days, are depraved rascals, for whom awaits a fiery circle in hell that cycles on “extra-soiled.”

These laundry abusers display several easily recognizable secondary pathological behaviors. Learn to recognize these traits so that you can save your soul by distancing yourself from these dissolutes.  

  1. Laundry abusers tend to dump excessive amounts of detergent in the washing machines so that they reek of Tide at the end of the cycle. 
  2. When they use the dryers, they discard dryer lint on the floor, or simply never clean the lint filters, creating a fire hazard for their residence hall.
  3. They mistake dry erase markers for food. As a result, there are never dry erase markers in the laundry room and you can never write your name and phone number on the magnet attached to your machine.
  4. They help fill the laundry room lost and found bin, which helps opportunistic people upgrade their wardrobes on a weekly basis.

People who exhibit these traits are the kind of people who don't deserve to wear clean clothes.  And by peculiar personal preferences, they most often don’t wear clean clothes.

I maintain hope that, despite the magnitude of their errors, the laundry abusers will reform. To demonstrate proper use of the residence hall laundry room, so that laundry abusers have a model of excellence to be shamed by, I do wash once per week and leave my laundry unattended for 45 minutes max while the load is running.  

To do penance for the salvation of laundry abusers, and, if I am honest, to alleviate my fears that my clothes will vanish in the laundry room, I never use the dryers. Instead, I hang-dry my wet laundry under the lofted bed in my room.  As I do this, I sing the lyrics to “Don’t Stop Believin’.” I will never lose hope that the laundry abusers will reform.