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So you’re single … you must be or you wouldn’t be reading this incredibly helpful article on being single. All your options are spent: you’ve swiped right on every dating app you know, you’ve met all your friends’ single friends and your Flex-baby plan just didn’t work out. Where did that leave you? Crawling back to me — the de facto relationship wizard of this fine humor section. You may wonder what qualifies me to serve up such delicious courses of advice when it comes to single life. The answer: practice.

I have honed my craft through years and years of experience. It’s not always easy being single, with countless women throwing their love and affection my way. I can hardly stand to see it, but I do it for you, my lovely readers, so I may provide you with the most accurate information possible. Now, allow me to elaborate on how you, too, may feel included in the thralls of Notre Dating traditions while remaining a part of that sweet, sweet solitude of single life.

I’ll address the most prominent tradition of Notre Dame dating life first: walking around the lakes holding the hand of your significant other. We’ve all seen it; we’ve all gagged a little. There’s no shame, but deep down, we’ve all been a little jealous. However! Fear not! There is a substitute to the warm embrace of your significant other’s phalanges wrapped around your own. Simply head on over to the Huddle and purchase yourself a nice jar of peanut butter (if you are allergic to peanuts, purchase soynut butter instead). Now that you are adequately prepared, you may remove the lid and sink the hand of your choice (I recommend your own) deep into that soft embrace only peanut butter can provide and let your loneliness fall away. Proceed around the lake at your leisure.

Many of our South Quad compatriots are familiar with this next tradition. You may have seen it taking place in broad daylight or in the security of nightfall: the kiss under the Lyons Arch. How dreadful! In this economy!? Not to mention we have a pandemic going on!! I hope they labeled each other as close contacts. No matter. My single readers still deserve to have a moment like this, and I, my friends, am here to offer you this alternative. After years of trial and error, the best alternative is quite simple: a 43-pound flash-frozen free-range Alaskan salmon (while a slightly larger Atlantic salmon will suffice, the endorphin rush is noticeably weaker). The thawing embrace of the salmon will adequately substitute the anxious hands of your significant other during the kiss, and the slightly salty taste will mask the tears streaming down your face from the crippling loneliness you’re enduring.

Come to think of it that may have been an experience unique to me…

That’s beside the point; my editor is yelling at me to get this submitted before the deadline, so I will continue next time. Until then … stay single, my friends.