Return to ND has Students Flushing About

Author: Juliet Hare


Upon returning to campus after a two-month sabbatical, the worry of contracting COVID-19 has been replaced by an even more pressing threat to physical health: Notre Dame students have lost their investment in the university’s toilet tissue issue. Not only is the excitement of returning to campus disrupted by the gaping holes between stalls which permit the awkward locking of eyes with fellow Domers, students are also forced to endure ultra-rough and not-so-quilted TP across campus.

Now, the daily retreat to the potty is a chore rather than a blissful escape from the realities of being a Notre Dame student. Going to the restroom should be one of the lone moments in a day where undergraduates can genuinely kick back, relax and enjoy the serene “woosh” of automatic flushing and gentle buzz of the paper towel dispenser; however, the barely-there TP causes some noticeable problems.

The lack of lavatory contentment came as a harsh awakening to those returning to campus this February. Upon entering the loo, students are immediately faced with a gloomy aura as they realize the unavoidable fate they face after doing their business. With the density of uselessly thin rice paper coiled on an unnecessarily large industrial roll, this toilet tissue is nothing compared to the plushness of toilet paper that Domers became oh so accustomed to over break. In all, the experience is unpleasant, and that’s not even mentioning the splash back from a faulty automatic flush.

When asked about their recent bathroom experiences, students stated that dropping the kids off at school has “never been more irritating physically” and that it “requires such astounding effort for such a disappointing ending.” One particularly distressed Domer declared: “I have rug burn in places where one should never have rug burn.” On the bright side, having some form of parchment is better than having none, even if it’s a bit scratchy. Sometimes life can be rough, butt we can take it.