Investment Banker Networking Email Spoof

Author: Chris Russo

Investment Banker Networking Email Spoof

From: Preston McNickels <pmcnickels73@nd.edu>

Subject: ND Student Interested in Investment Banking

Date: October 4, 2021 at 4:16:31 PM EDT

To: John Bank of America <BofA@wallstreet.com>

 

Dear Mr. Bank of America,

My name is Preston McNickels, and I am a Notre Dame sophomore interested in breaking into the world of investment banking. I am certain that you must be extremely busy, so I am going to start off by apologizing profusely for taking up more than a second of your valuable time. I wanted to reach out to potentially set up a brief call to discuss your experience in the field.

Of course, I am first and foremost drawn to your firm’s commitment to ESG. I admire your put-your-foot-down statement about human trafficking and your verbal commitment to soon make a statement about world hunger. 

Please be sure that if I am fortunate enough to work for your firm, I will take full advantage of your partnership with Uber Eats. No Chipotle burrito bowl — with guac and queso and chips and double meat — is safe around an analyst in the office past 8:00 pm.

But, Mr. BofA — if I can call you that — you are a fool to think I have yet to notice the salary of a junior analyst. My apologies, but work life balance is only a concern for those near retirement; perhaps I’ll reconsider during my mid-career crisis at 30. I don’t fear “golden handcuffs”; I welcome them. Chain me to my desk on a protected Saturday, and my mood will swing higher than your predatory interest rates. 

I’ll get out after two years, maybe five if I find a groove. Let’s make a deal: I’ll stay as long as I continue to think that I can only afford to order drinks or an appetizer. Or, just infect me with imposter syndrome and get me drunk at networking events. Until then, shackled and enslaved to every command of my MD I will be. 

Although my resume includes “conversational Spanish” as a technical skill, I prefer to speak in our shared language: acronyms. In order to confuse financially illiterate inclined commoners, I use terms such as LBO, EBITDA and IPO in daily conversation.      

Once again, I cannot begin to express how well I understand just how extremely busy you are. With such a storied career in buy-side fund management, you must have so little time to spare and energy left to exert, so I greatly appreciate you taking a moment to address my email. 

Go Irish! Beat the SEC (the government oversight one)! 

P.N.

Preston McNickels

University of Notre Dame | Class of 2024

Finance