Now that over 10 percent of Notre Dame’s student body has officially contracted COVID-19, we here at Scholastic thought that we should provide a handy email template for informing your friends, family, professors and any other parties about your COVID-19 diagnosis.
I regret to inform you that I have contracted the current COVID-19 virus, which is rapidly spreading, especially on a college campus where social distancing is difficult to enforce.
I would first like to say that there is no way we could have predicted this. I do not think any of my individual behaviors contributed to this, nor do I think going to Brothers every night for the past week and a half was at all responsible for this sudden, unexpected diagnosis. I also regret the error in judgment that led to me taking off my mask after the men vomiting in the bathroom said it was okay to do so.
Thank you for your forgiveness and all the prayers that have been said on my behalf. While I understand the rest of you have been avoiding going out and shotgunning beers alongside your classmates during the prime of your social life, I thought it was important for me to get a couple more glory days in before my college experience grinds to a halt. I additionally thought it was important to bring Notre Dame representation to the local bars, as they are surely struggling without our combined contributions.
While this was a difficult decision for me, personally, to make, I have decided to quarantine in the Morris Inn. I will be accepting the advice of medical professionals and hope to recover soon.