Guys, I don’t really know how to explain this in a believable way, but please just trust me. Ever since the start of this year, Touchdown Jesus has been winking at me whenever I’m on library quad. I know, I know, He’s an inanimate object, He shouldn’t be able to wink; I understand this — my IQ is very high! But he does anyway, and nobody will believe me. It started at the beginning of the year. I was on a date and we couldn’t decide where to eat, so I suggested that we should stroll down library quad instead of eating. She reluctantly agreed, and we headed over that way. While we were walking, I wanted to talk about the hit Netflix show “You,” but I accidentally said “I love ‘You’.” My date was taken aback, and before I could apologize for my freudian slip, I looked up and Touchdown Jesus winked at me. I abruptly and loudly yelled, “Did you see the lone blinking eye of the Lord?!” which caused her to pepper-spray me and run away.
Then, about two weeks later, I was on another date with a new girl (the first one wouldn’t return my emails). Once again, we couldn’t agree on a place to eat, so I suggested another stroll down library quad. While we were walking, I wanted to suggest that my date watch one of my favorite romantic comedies, “Meet the Parents,” but instead I accidentally said, “I want you to meet my parents.” My face turned red and I looked over at Touchdown Jesus, wondering why his Touchdown Father kept punishing me on dates — looking back at me was a winking TDJ. I abruptly and loudly yelled, “A third of the Holy Trinity has momentarily gazed upon me with just one eye!” Pepper-sprayed again.
This has happened to me five more times this semester, each time on a date, each with a different girl. The worst was when I wanted to talk about my favorite song, “Mother Knows Best” from Tangled, but I accidentally said, “I want you to be the mother of my children.” Touchdown Freak still winked at me. Despite my very high IQ, I’m having a lot of trouble understanding why the Son of God holding a touchdown pose insists on winking at me every time I misspeak on a date. Jesus never married, so maybe He gets excited when my chances of getting married decrease. However, I like to think of it a bit more optimistically. He is Touchdown Jesus after all, not just regular Jesus; so maybe He’s coming to me in my lowest moment and saying, “You may have messed up, but just like a touchdown, you’re still a six.”