“The Irish Bachelorette” Reboot

Author: McElroy, Meredith

“The Irish Bachelorette” Reboot

In 2013, Notre Dame TV (NDTV) struck gold with their creation of “The Irish Bachelorette.” Taking cues from the famous ABC show “The Bachelorette,” it created a warm and romantic atmosphere for men campus-wide to woo the heart of one girl. With current regulations loosening, NDTV has decided to resurrect this show with a fresh cast of characters and a new romantic star.

Cate Stockwoman, a junior in Cavanaugh Hall, ultimately won the coveted Bachelorette spot. Stockwoman has confirmed that she is bisexual, but in true Bachelorette fashion, the producers have decided to ignore non-heteronormative sexualities entirely. Emma Ferdinandi was almost chosen, but producers worried that her close friendship with Garth Brooks would intimidate potential suitors. When Scholastic interviewed Stockwoman about her experience and plans for the season, she said, “Honestly, I’m going to have to eliminate everyone wearing a Vineyard Vines T-shirt immediately. That just does not do it for me.”

NDTV took the search for eligible men seriously, only considering applicants who were willing to take their shirt off regardless of the weather. The Irish leprechaun was chosen as the host, and hits from AcoustiCafé have been repurposed as the show’s soundtrack to avoid paying licensing fees.

NDTV graciously gave Scholastic an exclusive look at the first few episodes of the show, set to drop April 31. NDTV producers also bragged about notable vacation spots the contestants would visit, including Newf’s, Stepan Center and the DeBartolo basement.

The trailer opens upon a sunlit Saint Joseph’s Lake, where producers have set up a picnic area. Carroll Hall resident James Louse, who dressed up as a rat for his opening gimmick, is introduced first. He takes the lead by stealing Stockwoman away. Producer gossip suggests he’s only here for the clout and myriad of girls who will pity him as the runner-up with a broken heart. The show cuts to Stockwoman earnestly leaning into James, saying “my last dining hall date broke my heart, but I finally feel confident I can love again.”

Not to be outdone, the O’Neill contestant brings a ring and proposes as his first impression. While it is unclear to Scholastic why he thought ring by spring with a stranger would be a winning move, he’s still in the running. Meanwhile, the Keenan contestant is axed after he refuses to promise Stockwoman his yearly Keenan Revue tickets.

The second episode features a two-on-one date, where the Baumer Hall resident, a self-proclaimed entrepreneur who sells weed in the LaFun basement, and the Alumni Hall resident, who plans to erect an Irish-themed bar in the Mendoza basement, take Stockwoman to the dunes. The Baumer Hall resident issues an ultimatum, saying he simply cannot tolerate the Alumni Hall shenanigans. They are both sent home, although not before Stockwoman sobs for thirty minutes over this decision.

The next day arrives, and the men participate in a talent show to win Stockwoman’s  heart. The Siegfried contestant, going by his rap name Lil JJ (in honor of the great Jay Jay Jaykins), attempts to beatbox but is cut off by the producers. He is last heard yelling, “How dare you? I was going to be the next Felix Rabito!”

The third episode brings dorm visits, where Stockwoman can get the lowdown on her potential match’s habits, including how messy his floor is and how many bowls of oatmeal he can eat in a single sitting. Upon arrival in Sorin College, she is promptly attacked by the bats who have commandeered the basement. Unfortunately, this is all the NDTV producers have filmed, as the crew had to be rushed to the hospital and checked for rabies. Scholastic feels optimistic that Stockwoman will ultimately survive but choose the wrong man.