COVID Underground Gambling Ring Exposed

Author: Eleanor Hammerschmitt


Green is the new black. An exciting time in the new Irish era we live in, heroic HERE ambassadors patrol every conceivable inch of campus to keep COVID-19 at bay. The question then arises: where is the fun in that? Acting as a glorified babysitter in a green polo shirt simply cannot be very enjoyable.

However, Scholastic officials found out how COVID-19 moderators brought joy to these seemingly menial tasks. Groundbreaking information has recently been brought to light surrounding the underground gambling ring that exists under Notre Dame Stadium. Hundreds of green polo shirts roam the undergrounds of the stadium, trading insider tips on the best ways to nab students breaking COVID-19 protocol. Centered around a point system, these noble ambassadors have found a way to make their jobs fun while essentially getting a bonus for each student corrected. What kind of bonus? We hear Notre Dame golf carts are not off the table.

The process goes something like this. Each “put your mask up” earns a point, each “only one person is allowed at this table” earns a point, and so on and so forth. The swarm of green convenes on random weeknights, discussing strategies to score points. This particular weeknight is difficult to pinpoint, as secrecy surrounds the decision. Few students have ever been lucky enough to stumble upon one of these gambling nights, with one reporting “the fluorescent green was blinding to say the least,” and another reporting “I doubled up on my masks, just to be safe.”

The top ambassadors are appointed to the most prestigious stations (obviously the dining halls or the fitness centers), while those lowest on the totem pole are delegated to roaming outside in hopes of snagging a wandering, unexpecting student. Sadly, with the vaccines rolling out, the end of the gambling is in sight. To help support the cause of keeping these ambassadors on campus through next semester, rumor has it that green polo shirts will be on sale at Duncan Student Center towards the end of the semester. Until then, mask up Irish.