Rev. JayJay Jaykins Declares State of Emergency — “the Hardest Choices Require the Strongest Wills”

Author: Timmy Sullivan


Rev. JayJay Jaykins has assumed emergency authority, consolidating all university power beneath his office. In a mass communication sent to all students and faculty last night, a link to a prerecorded video was shared. In the recording, Jaykins sits in the foreground with a confident smile as the flag of Zahm House lies ripped and tattered around his feet.

“While case counts are certainly plateauing, and ever-increasing vaccine distribution shows a light dangling at the end of this long tunnel, the time has come for swift and strong leadership to usher us into a bold new age. For too long, the ‘Zahmbies’ have believed their individuality more important than my glorious university.” With a gleeful smile he asserted that “their subordination is no longer an issue.”

As the lights dim behind him and he ominously rises to face the camera directly, Jaykins outlines his plan for a “new, modern, orderly Notre Dame” — a Notre Dame defined by regulation, obedience and discipline. As the first phase of the new plan, HERE ambassadors will be sextupled from their current number.“An ambassador for every student, a guardian angel to make sure they remain in the right,” he promises, a gold-leaf adorned copy of du Lac gleaming on the table behind him. He further announces his intention to abolish the sacred O’Leary Cup,“no more divisive dorm identity” he proclaims in the video, “only Jaykins Conformity.”

Multiple reports indicate that upon assuming his powers, Jaykins was confronted by high-ranking student government officials, as well as prominent university icons like Kelly O’Brien and Father Pat McCormack, who were outraged at his behavior. Security footage shows a robed Jaykins decreeing that he “is the Senate” before a throng of green-jacketed lackies usher the challengers away for detention at the Pangborn Re-education Palace.

A new era is dawning at Notre Dame. Rumors are swirling from the administration that a surprise tuition hike is on the way to lay the groundwork for three new “Jaykins Halls” dotting campus. If you happen to be on the quads over the next few weeks, you may be fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of our Supreme Overlord, as he has taken to being called, flanked by a phalanx of green-armored and green-masked guards. If not in the flesh, look no further than the banners hanging from each light pole extolling his virtue and reminding observers of his omniscient power.

One inside source summed up these developments best — “Long live the king.”