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After a long-running investigation, university officials have ruled that Johnson Family Hall, the new Notre Dame women’s residence set to welcome 225 undergraduates next fall, fails to meet the specifications necessary to be considered an official on-campus residence. 

Apparently, a gross architectural oversight resulted in the new dorm being constructed approximately two yards outside of official campus boundaries, as measured to the leftmost edge of Johnson Hall. Consequently, Johnson Family residents will be barred from participating in their own dorm events as they are not an on-campus dormitory. 

For the future members of the Johnson Family (“J-Fam”) community, this ruling has far-reaching implications. First, residents will be ineligible to participate in interhall sports. Determined to overcome this obstacle, Sister Nancy Smith, Johnson Family’s new rector, has been seen making recruiting visits to Flaherty, Pasquerilla West and other Mod and North Quad women’s dorms. 

Additionally, the new off-campus designation raises questions about Johnson Family dances. While J-Fam residents will be barred from attending dances under the new off-campus differentiation policy, sources tell Scholastic that SAO is still contractually obligated to host these events, creating quite an interesting situation. 

Suggesting the worst, various news outlets have reported that J-Fam SYR is shaping up to be a “massive sausage party”. Despite the unfortunate outlook for the dorm’s eagerly anticipated inaugural formal — ironically now being called “Johnson Fest” — Ellen Harman-Hoffding, Notre Dame’s Director of Student Affairs, has assured prospective J-Fam residents that the new situation should not be a cause for concern. 

“The off-campus exclusion (cough) differentiation policy,” said Harman-Hoffding in a statement, “is meant to enhance Notre Dame’s dorm community. The women of Johnson Family Hall, while having made the ill-advised and obviously destructive decision to move off-campus, should be thankful that they are not allowed to be a part of the rich Notre Dame dorm community which they so irresponsibly abandoned.” Applications to live in the new dorm have increased by over 150% since the off-campus designation became official this morning.