"

In a statement made earlier today, the University of Notre Dame announced plans for a sweeping set of rule changes slated to take effect beginning in the 2020-2021 school year. The new rules, many of which are likely to receive significant opposition from students, focus primarily on student life and housing. University officials felt that the global pandemic, while an unfortunate disruption to campus life, provided them with a unique opportunity to make these controversial yet necessary changes.

“Our first move, of course, will be to ban seniors from moving off-campus,” said Brian Portfolio, director of residential life. “As I’m sure you know, we’ve been gunning for that for a while now, and this just seemed like the perfect time to pull the trigger.”

The administration’s next change — and perhaps its most ambitious — will be to prohibit all parties in campus dormitories, ever. “We at Notre Dame see social distancing not only as an effective public health measure but also as a means to promote the morals and community standards outlined in du Lac,” said Rev. JayJay I. Jaykins, university president. Jaykins once again expressed his profound regret at the premature end to the academic term, adding that his own nephew, a Notre Dame sophomore, was inconsolable last week after learning that the university’s highly anticipated Vocation Week had been canceled.

Anticipating backlash from students, Vice President for Student Affairs Ellen Harman-Hoffding urged students to simply ignore the changes altogether. “We know you have a lot on your minds right now, and that’s okay,” said Harman-Hoffding. “By no means should you feel obligated to complain, protest or even notice these changes. Focus on your health in this difficult time.”

At press time, the university was considering offsetting lost room and board revenue by raising the price of Notre Dame’s famous quarter dogs to $2.50.