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I’m sure you’re well aware at this point that Rev. JayJay Jaykins, C.S.C. has been elected to his fourth term as university president. It was a unanimous decision by the Board of Trustees. You may be asking,

‘Why was he running unopposed?’ That’s the wrong question. What you should be asking is, “Who is this Board of Trustees?” And that, my friends, is what I shall explain.

It is a little-known fact that the enigmatic Board of Trustees is comprised of the most powerful members of the Irish Mafia. Who are they? What do they want? How did they get so rich? Why are you asking all these questions? Dramatic effect.

The third string QB is none other than Stepan P. Duffer, an avid golfer — he even designed his building north of campus to resemble his beloved pastime. Duffer was responsible for funding Jaykins’ campaign and promoting his campaign slogan, “Vote JayJay or Go Away-way.”

Second in command is Doon Kan Stusenter. He handled the task of eliminating Jaykins’ competition. Naturally, Stusenter sent Father Bete SchmCormish to his watery fate — a tropical cruise in the Caribbean. Trust no one.

And then there’s the head honcho: none other than Maria D. Fartolo. That’s right, Fartolo was the mastermind of the entire election. From a young age, she rose through the ranks of the Irish Mafia under the careful guidance of her father, known universally for his ruthlessness. After her father’s tragic poisoning, Fartolo took his place as leader. It’s said that before her tearful acceptance speech, she could be seen hiding a bottle labelled with a clipart skull-and-crossbones sticker behind her back. Scandalous.

Rumors aside, what’s done is done, and there you have it: JayJay Jaykins is our president for another five years. God bless the freshmen first years.