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Picture this: You’re enjoying a lovely stroll down the quad, minding your own business, when — WHOOSH — you’re practically blown off your feet by that pesky electric scooter whizzing past at breakneck speed. As you stand in utter shock staring blankly at the culprit’s fossil fuel-less escape, you think to yourself, “Gosh, those electric scooters sure are dangerous!”

Well, fear not. For I bring great news: by executive order of our university president, JayJay Jaykins, electric scooters have been forever banned from the campus of this great university. No longer shall they serve as threats to unsuspecting plebeian pedestrians. Thanks to the benevolent decree of our Supreme Leader Jaykins, our sidewalks are once again safe from the silent speedsters.

Fans of electric scooters may wonder, “What am I to do now? I miss the brisk wind whipping around my face. How shall I demonstrate my superiority over the strolling peasants?” Lord Jaykins of House Endowment has also announced a new line of Notre Dame-themed gas-powered scooters — available at the Hamless Bookstore for a cool $1,842. They are the perfect loopholes to the electric scooter ban. “The problem with e-scooters is they’re too quiet, but you can hear these bad boys from a mile away … and smell them too,” said Jaykins as he gestured to the new scooter fleet.

Jaykins also announced the addition of a gas station on campus: the former Crowley Hall will be renovated into the new “LaFuel” Student Center. “We are proud to be a 100% coal-free university,”  Jaykins said. “From now on we only use the cleanest energy source: gasoline!” Jaykins declined to comment on the involvement of any fossil fuel lobbyists in the decision-making process.

The brilliance of the Almighty Benefactor JayJay Jaykins knows no bounds: our sidewalks will be safer than ever and our skies will be as gray as always.