Zahm Freshmen Enter 2020 Presidential Race

Author: Mitchell Johnson

Zahm Freshmen Enter 2020 Presidential Race

Yesterday, freshmen Mick Bayes and Yawny O’Fawner of Zahm House made waves when they announced that they would enter the 2020 general presidential election. Sources tell Scholastic that Bayes and O’Fawner were able to exploit a little-known bureaucratic loophole to successfully launch their campaign for president and vice president of the United States, despite not participating in any primaries and being aged 19 and 18, respectively.

Adding themselves to the dorm’s long tradition of ambitious freshmen, the pair commented on their bold decision to seek the nation’s highest office: “I mean, it was a pretty easy decision when you get down to it,” O’Fawner said. “We’re alphas. We do alpha things.” 

Even after multiple press conferences, Scholastic has not been able to uncover much about the duo’s plans for our nation. Aside from a few concrete goals such as repealing all taxes on vaping-related products and replacing the national anthem with “Mr. Brightside,” their campaign has remained surprisingly tight-lipped. In reference to his political party, Bayes responded, “Dude, it’s gonna be sick. We’re all dressing up like the founding fathers. Guys pay five dollars at the door, girls free.” 

Asked about his platform, he only mentioned that it would be “elevated.” The campaign website was not much help either, including only vague references to being “against parietals” and “honestly probably too cool for this anyway.” 

Additionally, many of the nation’s most prominent political pundits have expressed their displeasure at the pair’s untraditional campaigning techniques. Earlier today, Hayes and O’Fawner were seen filming promotional TikToks on the steps of the U.S. Capitol building, a move that some senior members of Congress have called “blatantly disrespectful” and “honestly kind of dope, as much as we hate to admit it.” 

Despite the criticism, Scholastic’s latest projection shows Bayes and O’Fawner well ahead of the pack, projected to win between 65-75% of the popular vote come November.