Proclaiming that He is “really starting to question that whole ‘free will’ thing,” our good Lord has ordered an early snow this fall in response to the College Republicans’ recent endorsement of Donald Trump for President. 

Though He remarked that He did enjoy reading some of the comments on the group’s Facebook post, the Divine King admitted to accidentally setting a cornfield ablaze in Kansas while reading the pronouncement. …

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Man Calling Himself “Big Easy Bill” Offers Saxophone Lessons for Clinton

Though once a Bernie Sanders supporter, 18-year-old Eric Bartens is now waving a Clinton flag. When asked about the sudden change, Barten noted, “Some old guy with a funny accent behind my school said he’d buy me a Playstation 4 if I voted for Hillary. He told me to call him Big Easy Bill.” …

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Assuring his fellow classmate that “the brotherhood really makes it worthwhile,” freshman Hank Stevenson suggests that he really doesn’t mind having only one functioning showerhead on his floor.

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It’s 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday night, and you’re winding down for bed before your 9:25 tomorrow morning. You hop in bed, annoyed that your roommate isn’t even turning off the bedroom light and using the less-bright lamp by the futon to keep studying. You try for a few passive aggressive yawns, hoping she’ll go study in the section lounge, but she remains unmoved by your show of fatigue.…

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Now, as you come up this path, you’ll notice the Hesburgh Library. Built in 1963, it is currently being renovated in order to provide access to interdisciplinary and collaborative spaces, introduce state-of-the-art technologies and give a fresh, new space for my friend Becky to sit while she waits for that one kid in her foresight group to come 20 minutes late.…

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STANFORD HALL — College of Engineering sophomore Keith Richardson’s perspective on life has been completely uprooted by a Viewpoint article published in the Observer last Tuesday, sources report. Before reading the 3,000-word grandiloquent behemoth rife with both condescension and conviction, Richardson said his opinions lay on the complete opposite side of party lines. However, the path only begins here.…

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WASHINGTON — In a bipartisan effort to bring together opponents in an increasingly fiery election season, President Barack Obama invited all remaining presidential candidates to the White House on Thursday. Sources say the president was in high spirits throughout the day, cooking a roast with First Lady Michelle Obama and teaching Vice President Joe Biden how to make ice cream.…

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Project Objectives: Increase the client’s net kissing rate by 45% by the end of Spring Semester 2016. Current rate is at a steady 0% excluding “that one weird incident during the Sign of Peace.”

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I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve spent over two and a half years just itching to show my parents firsthand the black tie galas that take up most of our Fridays here on campus.

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We predicted the most noteworthy moments of the hip-hop mad genius’ future album releases.

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Spring Break simply can’t come soon enough.

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The language barrier is totally insurmountable.

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So this winter break, avoid the hassle of applications. Instead, stay on Netflix and stay networking, South Bend!

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Politics: Statisticians and pundits puzzle over results of recent 2016 Republican presidential nomination poll, with “Unsure,” “Tim Horton’s” and “Ben Carson” in a comfortable lead over other candidates.

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Church officials have announced that due to the uncovering of the Starbuck’s anti-Christian bias via CupGate, the use of Blessed Salted Caramel Latte in place of Holy Water will be halted in parishes across the U.S.

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Brian Kelly wants a bright red suit that he can wear to make his face seem like a more normal skin tone.

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No one likes being bored over Thanksgiving break, so the staff at Scholastic Humor has compiled a collection of real page turners to keep you busy until you GET to come back to campus.

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Church Bells from the Outside

The sacred music department is fuming after a sophomore snuck into the Basilica bell tower and played Adele’s “Hello.” Father Rocca was down with it, tears streaming down his face.

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THEO 20120 – The Lord at Liam’s: Finding Christ at the Student Health Center

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Here lie my predicted jokes from the fourth Republican Debate...

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A recent poll surveying all Fall Career Expo employers showed that the most valued skill for new employees to have is e-portfolio design and maintenance

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College can be overwhelming, so I’ve printed out these four fun pictures that I know will help get you through it.

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It’s the second week of school — perhaps the most important week of your life — and it’s all culminating in this glorious moment: Activities Night.

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Nobody likes being told they’ll be spending the next several months living with some random stranger they know nothing about. Here are some quality tips to help you be the best roommate ever.

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The four-time lecture attendee explains why he is joining the Seminoles.

By Everett Golson

As told to Hunter Kuffel

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Let's face it: studying is hard.  Here are some helpful tips to get you through finals!

1. Study while driving. You’re more likely to remember things if you review them in different places
2. Write the answers on pieces of paper. Tie the paper to birds’ legs. Wait six months. When the birds come back, catch them. Now you have the answers.
…

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I am so excited for today.  Everyone’s been talking about this darty for months.  Apparently this is a party that they only have twice a year, and there’s a pretty intricate theme.  Almost the entire school is involved, and everyone gets a certain time that they can begin dartying.  This is a day-long event too!  The earliest time people begin is at 6:50 AM.  Get this, though—it all happens on a…

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Training for the Holy Half, one selfie at a time. 

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Liza Mozzarella, an anthropology major, is looking to study and preserve a very important culture.

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NDTV’s most awkward television sensation is back for round two.

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