Vol.165No. 1
Restrictions on student life from the top brass at Notre Dame...
Notre Dame freshman Grace Muro came to college excited to explore new frontiers of societal rage, and this past election certainly didn’t disappoint. Unfortunately, however, Grace reports that during the election she often felt she couldn’t keep up with her friends — she just doesn’t have enough hardship to complain about.
In a surprise visit to campus last week, renowned self-help guru Deepak Chopra was met with disappointment upon discovering that the DeBartolo Performing Arts Center, more commonly referred to as “DPAC,” was not, in fact, his namesake.
Sophomore Kathryn McQuillen arrived at South Dining Hall at 6:34pm on Thursday evening, four minutes late for her previously decided upon meal time with classmate Isaac Hallums.
Senior and proud Minnesotan John McNeill was seen walking around campus in shorts, a bro-tank and flip flops in late January after second semester started off with a heat wave.
The Argument Against:
No! Violence is WRONG! Punching a Nazi brings you down to their level. By shoving your fist forcefully into their face, you are just as bad as the people whose words and actions made the Holocaust possible. Wars are not won with violence: They are won with firm handshakes, pinky promises and warm hugs. So the next time you encounter a Nazi, don’t punch them; send them a 45 page article from The Atlantic to open their eyes. I guarantee they’ll thank you for expanding their worldview!…
Junior history major Kelly Connman made headlines this week when she sued her “History of American Labor” professor for failing her last semester.
After a grueling 34-31 loss to Virginia Tech, senior Trevor Green returned to his dorm and simply “got on with his day,” sources close to Green report.
Hello. My name is Jack. I am a 21-year-old person recovering from an accident. That was foreshadowing. Thank you for reading this piece. Can you guess how many of these stories take place in a McDonald’s? Three of these stories do that. That was also foreshadowing.
I tried to walk through a Florida McDonald’s drive-thru with my friend Kyle. We were in town for his older sister’s wedding. The doors to the McDonald’s across the street from our hotel were closed, but we could see employees working. They ignored our waves and told us over the speakers that we needed a vehicle to order food.…
Even after Van Gorder’s dismissal, Brian Kelly still has 5 more horcruxes that must be destroyed before Notre Dame can even begin to consider letting him go.
GOD QUAD – While walking to his Business Law class in Debartolo, sophomore Derek Tinsley saw a Saint Mary’s student entering Nieuwland Science Hall. The SMC student, senior Lacy Miller, did not make eye contact or do anything to indicate that she even noticed Tinsley’s presence, but Tinsley says he is sure there was more to her straight-ahead gaze.…
Dear Santa,
During Thanksgiving break, I was only asked three questions:
“How are your grades this semester?” Please keep in mind that I now attend college — a good one, at that — and not my small, underfunded high school.
“Are you seeing anyone?” I’m actively avoiding anyone who considers me dateable at the moment, given the state of, well, everything.…
Throughout the past few weeks of the presidential campaign, the Republican ticket has begun a concentrated effort to boost its approval ratings among women voters. Scholastic tagged along for one stop on the “Trump-Pence Women’s Empowerment Tour,” a strategy which daughter-in-law Lara Trump says focuses on “women that [Donald Trump] has touched in very different ways.”…
Faced with what he considers a grim selection of presidential candidates, freshman Charlie O’Connor was spotted wondering aloud if he could nominate Student Body President Corey Robinson for the presidency.
“I mean, you have to be at least 35 to be president,” mused 18-year-old O’Connor, who will be casting his first-ever vote on November 8th. “But on the other hand ... Corey Robinson still has more political experience than Trump, and he’s probably never deleted 33,000 important emails.”…
Lamenting that low record sales have, until recently, precluded the group from making a new album, presidential hopeful Dr. Jill Stein expressed what she called “utter glee” in response to the traction her 90s band has been receiving lately. “Ever since John Oliver covered it on Last Week Tonight, our Circuits to the Sun…
It’s Saturday night. Your friends have dragged you to a party when all you wanted was to Netflix Gilmore Girls in your bed. Like a three-year-old, you declare, “Fine, I’ll go, but I won’t have fun.” And you mean it.
You put your hair in a low bun, the universal sign of minimal effort, and step out the door. You arrive to the party and realize that your already low expectations for the night will need to be lowered even further because the party is awful. Middle school dance, grandparents’ cocktail party, child-you-babysit-for’s-birthday-party level awful. But you are there, and you are determined not to waste the little effort that was exerted and have a semi-decent time.…
Every election season, Facebook and Twitter unite forces to amplify the ignorant, under-researched and highly irritating opinions that you don’t really care all that much about beyond the pictures of their dogs that they share sometimes. This election season, here are five people making their voices heard to unfollow or unfriend so that you don’t have to hear them.…
Walking to my home in Siegfried, I overheard a student criticizing our government. With a smirk, he intellectually pondered, “What the HELL does our vice president do?” while reversing his ‘Make America Great Again’ cap. In an attempt to solve this mystery for my fellow classmate, I’ve done the research and have found what one potential VP has been up to.…
TAOS, NM – Announcing to a customer service representative that he was “asking for a friend,” presidential candidate Gary Johnson was seen walking into a local New Mexico grocery store earlier this week to apply for a shopping rewards card.
“So, hypothetically speaking, could someone ever be rejected from the rewards program?” the former governor, last seen donning a Bob Marley t-shirt at a UNM dorm party, asked.…
Students, faculty, staff, most beloved and generous donors: Welcome to another year at Our Lady’s University.
You’ve likely already noticed some changes on campus, such as the creation of two new dorms and a new worldclass research facility.
All three buildings stand proudly on our brand new East Quad, the fruit of an unbelievable $2 billion gift from Todd and Marie East of Montreal.…
With “nothing better to do” now that his campaign has officially ceased, former Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders visited Notre Dame to explore the university’s groundbreaking new sustainability initiative: “Inconvenient Trays.”
“See, the trays used to be over here,” University President Rev. John I. Jenkins said as he excitedly led the senator through South Dining Hall. “But now they’re all the way over here!” …
Since 2009, a great absence has haunted this nation. The philosophical balance that drives this country forward has been replaced by acrimony and discord. Only one solution can restore harmony to our culture: Reuniting the original American Idol judges to moderate the 2016 presidential debates.
In the halcyon days of the new millennium, Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson guided the zeitgeist as judges on FOX’s American Idol. From 2002 until Abdul’s departure in 2009, this trio critiqued countless singers. With the guidance of the judges, America voted powerhouses like Kelly Clarkson, Carrie Underwood and Lee DeWyze to be our Idols, sending them to the top of our hearts before they reached the top of the charts. …
Proclaiming that He is “really starting to question that whole ‘free will’ thing,” our good Lord has ordered an early snow this fall in response to the College Republicans’ recent endorsement of Donald Trump for President.
Though He remarked that He did enjoy reading some of the comments on the group’s Facebook post, the Divine King admitted to accidentally setting a cornfield ablaze in Kansas while reading the pronouncement. …
Man Calling Himself “Big Easy Bill” Offers Saxophone Lessons for Clinton
Though once a Bernie Sanders supporter, 18-year-old Eric Bartens is now waving a Clinton flag. When asked about the sudden change, Barten noted, “Some old guy with a funny accent behind my school said he’d buy me a Playstation 4 if I voted for Hillary. He told me to call him Big Easy Bill.” …
Assuring his fellow classmate that “the brotherhood really makes it worthwhile,” freshman Hank Stevenson suggests that he really doesn’t mind having only one functioning showerhead on his floor.
It’s 1:30 a.m. on a Tuesday night, and you’re winding down for bed before your 9:25 tomorrow morning. You hop in bed, annoyed that your roommate isn’t even turning off the bedroom light and using the less-bright lamp by the futon to keep studying. You try for a few passive aggressive yawns, hoping she’ll go study in the section lounge, but she remains unmoved by your show of fatigue.…
Now, as you come up this path, you’ll notice the Hesburgh Library. Built in 1963, it is currently being renovated in order to provide access to interdisciplinary and collaborative spaces, introduce state-of-the-art technologies and give a fresh, new space for my friend Becky to sit while she waits for that one kid in her foresight group to come 20 minutes late.…
STANFORD HALL — College of Engineering sophomore Keith Richardson’s perspective on life has been completely uprooted by a Viewpoint article published in the Observer last Tuesday, sources report. Before reading the 3,000-word grandiloquent behemoth rife with both condescension and conviction, Richardson said his opinions lay on the complete opposite side of party lines. However, the path only begins here.…
WASHINGTON — In a bipartisan effort to bring together opponents in an increasingly fiery election season, President Barack Obama invited all remaining presidential candidates to the White House on Thursday. Sources say the president was in high spirits throughout the day, cooking a roast with First Lady Michelle Obama and teaching Vice President Joe Biden how to make ice cream.…
Project Objectives: Increase the client’s net kissing rate by 45% by the end of Spring Semester 2016. Current rate is at a steady 0% excluding “that one weird incident during the Sign of Peace.”