1. The way you set a table tells a girl everything she needs to know about you. Candles are an excellent way to subtly signal you like to get lit. Tablecloths draw attention to the fact that you’re resourceful enough to use your sheets as table cloths.
2. Be early. An easy mantra is “early is on time, on time is late, but super super super early is really the ideal time to be there.” Make sure to cross-reference the hours at your local dining hall so you can get there when they open.
3. Your appearance should scream, “I changed my outfit seven times but still settled on my original choice of khakis and a basketball jersey over a sweatshirt.” One way to do this is to wear a pair of khakis and a basketball jersey over a sweatshirt.
4. Come bearing gifts. It is crucial not to underestimate how high stakes this date is. Jewelry is not out of the question AT ALL. A good estimation if something is appropriate to bring is to ask yourself “Is this more or less romantic than Heath Ledger singing to Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You?” If the answer is no, you’ve done something wrong. Go buy an extra three dozen roses. If the answer is yes, probably go buy her something else anyways. You don’t want to be underprepared.
5. Only compliment her. No phrase should come out of your mouth that doesn’t directly woo your date. Her grandma just died? She was
probably so bitter she was never as beautiful as you.
6. Eat hot foods. Like actually physically hot. The heat of the food you eat will create a connection for her between you and hotness. This is also a great way to demonstrate your strength by burning your mouth again and again without stopping or crying.
7. Water is a great drink option if your goal is to have a terrible date. Your drink needs to have pizzazz, just like you! Any pop can do the trick but if you really want to wow your date, you’re drinking whole milk.
8. Convince her to get fro-yo as dessert and make sure you fill your cone up higher than hers. This will assert your dominance, but in a fun, non-threatening way.
9. Be clear on when you will see each other next. If the date went well, consider inviting her to the dorm party some guys on your floor are throwing for a sweaty gross night of being too close to freshmen you don’t know. If it didn’t go so well, work out a concise schedule (maps are really great for this!) of where and when you will be for the rest of undergrad so you never have to see each other again.
10. Have fun with it! DHDs are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Don’t forget to appreciate them while you’re there.