A disastrous 2016 football season has Notre Dame fans calling for the removal of Brian Kelly as head football coach.

The university, however, has insisted that they have no plans to hire a replacement. While many are disappointed with this decision, it’s important to remember that even after Van Gorder’s dismissal, Brian Kelly still has 5 more horcruxes that must be destroyed before Notre Dame can even begin to consider letting him go.

1. The Coin From The Coin Toss From The Last Game That No One Wants To Buy: Notre Dame put this coin up for auction in hopes that some patriot would recognize it for what it truly was: a vessel for a piece of Brian Kelly’s soul. Unfortunately, due to the team’s horrendous performance in this game, nobody even gave it a second glance.
2. The Mythical Usher Hat of Lore: Brian Kelly has hidden part of his soul in an unidentified usher’s yellow cap. Several attempts have been made to destroy these hats, but since increased security measures have banned bringing more than 10mL of Fiendfyre into the stadium, resisters have only ever been able to burn one at a time. All yellow usher hats must be burnt immediately to weaken Kelly’s stronghold.
3. Sergeant Tim McCarthy’s Microphone: Most people don’t know that McCarthy’s retirement last year was due to the side effects of having another soul festering inside of his equipment. If Notre Dame is serious about getting a coach that will lead their team to victory, McCarthy’s mouthpiece must be struck down at once. And remember — “when you’re splitting apart your soul, don’t wait for the other shoe to drop.”
4. The O’Shag Clock: It’s gotta go.
5. Lou Holtz’s Glasses: As crushing as this may be for lifelong Notre Dame fans, it’s just plain fact that Brian Kelly has placed a fragment of his soul into our beloved former coach’s glasses. These spectacles must be eliminated before Notre Dame football can ever hope to be great again. In a cruel twist of fate, the iconic eyewear that helped see the team through some of its best seasons is now the only thing standing in the way of its success.