STANFORD HALL — College of Engineering sophomore Keith Richardson’s perspective on life has been completely uprooted by a Viewpoint article published in the Observer last Tuesday, sources report. Before reading the 3,000-word grandiloquent behemoth rife with both condescension and conviction, Richardson said his opinions lay on the complete opposite side of party lines. However, the path only begins here.
“I’m sending this to everyone I know,” the aspiring engineer says. Indeed, he has already shared the article with parents, professors, grandparents, students entering North Dining Hall during his 12:30-1:45 lunch break on Tuesdays and Thursdays and his ex-girlfriend from junior year of high school. According to his mother, Richardson hasn’t felt this strongly about anything since his younger brother got into a better college than him last year. “That really got K-bear down; it was only Northwestern! But a rank is a rank, so we framed a picture of the light-up #1 on top of Grace Hall and put it in our living room.”
Since the publication of the Viewpoint, he has changed his Facebook profile’s political views, religion and inspirational quotes sections. “You could say it was my road to Emmaus,” Richardson told us as he emailed the student club that wrote the Viewpoint, asking to be added to its listserv.
Now that the lifelong opinion held by Richardson is obsolete, what will he do next? “I’m studying abroad in Angers this fall, so I’m thinking I’ll bring my new philosophy to Europe — I hear they’re really receptive to good American values over there.” Richardson’s three closest friends haven’t been seen since his initial sharing of the Viewpoint on Facebook, but sources who wish to remain anonymous suggest that they have since filled out dorm transfer forms, abandoning their former plans for a Stanford quad.