Administration Reveals Plans for Useless Spending Lab

Author: O'Neil, Alison


In a recent email that shocked the student body, the Office of the President unveiled plans to create a new research facility on campus. The email, promptly followed up with a town hall meeting in DeBartolo Hall, revealed the identity of the state-of-the-art facility: the long-awaited Useless Spending Lab, or USL. Erin Harman Hoffding, vice president of student affairs, joined Rev. JayJay I. Jaykins, C.S.C., president of the university, in celebrating and justifying the administration’s decisions. 

“The new lab will focus on the development of the most useless, roundabout methods of spending the university’s money,” said Jaykins, unveiling a to-scale model. “It’s going to be an interdisciplinary effort that combines knowledge spanning Notre Dame’s five colleges. We hope it will further the education of the mind and heart that we hold so dear here at Notre Dame.” 

“We’re really excited about the research and designs that will come out of the USL,” said Harman Hoffding. “So far, some of our esteemed faculty have proposed several promising ideas. We’re going to develop a machine that paints the Dome green every 47 days and then promptly paints it back to gold. We’re going to have stainless-steel robots that do nothing but sing the Victory March backwards in a minor key. We’re even going to add another floor in Hammes that sells nothing but Notre Dame Post-It Notes!” 

“And best of all,” Harman Hoffding continued, “we took extensive looks at student data and found that what students most wanted from the administration was a Chick-Fil-A. So, after careful consideration, we have decided to invest some of our research dollars into the development of an even better version of Chick-Fil-A — one that serves only tofu cubes.” 

When asked whether the lab would examine the state of campus water, Harman Hoffding replied, “Of course! In keeping with the lab’s mission to preserve and enhance roundabout development methods, we will be genetically enhancing and training our lovely squirrels to crawl inside the water pipes and fix all the problems themselves.” 

The new lab will be housed in Jaykins-Harman-Hoffding Hall, a $3.7 billion, state-of-the-art facility planned for the middle of the Stepan Center parking lot. “Since so many more students will be living on campus in upcoming years, there will really be no need for a parking lot,” Fr. Jaykins explained at the town hall meeting. 

Students interested in working in the lab may contact the Office of the President for more information.