Three people who would win Notre Dame Hunger Games

Author: Senior Scholastic Staff


The country is abuzz as the University of Notre Dame has been selected to host the second annual collegiate Hunger Games, or as the school’s administration lovingly named it, “Notre Dame Day.” Hundreds will watch, many will play, but only one will survive with their dignity intact.

Here are three potential Tributes who may actually bring home the mirror-ball trophy.

1. Sia Man

Two years ago, he stunned us with his tutu-adorned rendition of Sia’s “Chandelier” filmed at various points around campus. Now a symbol for Notre Dame’s underground dance scene, Sia Man goes by the street name Mocking Jay and refuses to take selfies.

Why he will win: A tutu is a survivalist’s dream. You can burn it to start a fire, use it as a netting to avoid killer bees, and rig up a water filtration system — a necessity if he is dropped near the DeBart site. This distinct advantage coupled with his naturally lithe dancer’s body makes this Sia impersonator a clear frontrunner.

2. Magic Michael

South Dining Hall’s infamous stripper quickly gained a name for himself after losing a few layers of clothing during the dinner rush a few weeks ago. The impromptu dinner and a show ended, however, with a quick sprint away from approaching security.

Why he will win: Even in an inhibited state of mind, this Tribute will barrel through to the finish line. And when it’s time for a photo op, he will have a song and dance ready. After all, what’s the Hunger Games without a little entertainment and sex appeal?

3. That girl you may or may not know, who you see literally everywhere

You sprint to Jordan and see her leaving the JACC. You grab a coffee at Waddick’s and she’s behind you in line. You take the airport bus to Midway and she’s driving the bus.

Why she will win: Stealth is her middle name (Mary Stealth Goldendome, to be precise). She majored in political science and studied abroad for three and a half years in Russia. She speaks seven languages, got a 98 percent in Gen. Chem freshman year, and has $2,569 flex points left.