Kanye West's Future PR Strategies

Author: Jack Riedy

Kanye West’s latest opus, “The Life of Pablo,” debuted this month, and its roll-out was as chaotic and tumultuous as the songs on the album. There was a combination fashion show and listening party at Madison Square Garden, multiple tracklists, last-minute delays and, of course, Twitter tirades. We predicted the most noteworthy moments of the hip-hop mad genius’ future album releases.

1. Kim Kardashian West tweets a confirmation of her third pregnancy.

This leads to record sales for the tabloid industry. As part of a primetime special on “E!,” she releases a home video of the birth. Some call it “a new low for compulsively-oversharing celebrity culture in America.” Others call it “another disappointing sequel.” With his newborn’s cries as a melodic backdrop, Kanye freestyles for 20 minutes. Kris Jenner beatboxes. The resulting audio recording is only available as a bonus feature on the 4K release of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” season 14.

2. The weekly Target ad features Kanye’s latest fashion line: Yeezy with a Vengeance.

Items in the collection include loose-fit jeans, newsboy caps and jackets. The clothes are exclusively burgundy and forest green, available in sizes small and extra large. A sizable secondary market emerges on eBay, despite the surplus of stock in every Target location nationwide. Each purchase includes a USB drive with Kanye’s new album, but it can only be opened after removing a shiny sticker, so the music goes unheard.

3. G.O.O.D Music President Pusha T announces the construction of the Rosewood Dojo.

Built on the California coast, the nine-story tower is open to any martial artist. By battling G.O.O.D. Music artists, producers and sensei fighters may ascend to the top floor. If Kanye West is defeated, he will play his album to his opponent for three days and three nights. Few make it to the top, and they each take a vow of silence after returning. CyHi the Prynce never reaches the second floor.

4. A 50-foot-tall ostrich sculpture made out of Ferrari scrap metal appears in Chicago’s Daley Plaza.

Nicknamed “Donda” by locals, the bird becomes a tourist attraction sensation, even more popular than the Picasso or the corruption of the city’s justice system. One week after its installation, the underside opens, and 10 models, wearing only lingerie and Dropout Bear heads, disperse to nearby street corners. They hand out CD-Rs labeled “NEW YE ALBUM” in Sharpie to anyone who stops when they ask, “you like music?”

5. Kanye enlists all of his greatest collaborators and Cher for a one-of-a-kind album.

Protected in a hand-carved opulent silver box, only one copy exists. A special license stipulates that it may not be released commercially for 88 years. Thirteen minutes of the record are played once for a select few journalists before it is auctioned. The ultimate winner, purchasing the album for $2 million, is a notorious former pharmaceutical executive under investigation for securities fraud. Kanye tweets his disappointment in Mark Zuckerberg’s lack of interest.

6. The year is 2054. Humanity is at war with Skytunes, a sentient music streaming platform.

While its killbots battle pockets of human resistance, Skytunes sends fandroids back in time to prevent musicians from creating works that will inspire their descendants. There are rumors, whispers amongst the humans that Kanye West is still alive in hiding somewhere, tinkering on his final album. He sends his daughter North, now a hardened veteran of war, back to 2002 to prevent his younger self from perishing in a Skytunes-orchestrated car crash. When young Kanye emerges from the wreckage, battered but alive, a mysterious woman steps from the shadow and passes him a CD of his future self’s final album: “The College Dropout.” With the timeline altered, the future war is prevented. The album drops on Roc-A-Fella two years later.