‘JESUS H. CHRIST’ Signature Appears on Disinvite Vice President Pencil Petition

Author: Senior Scholastic Staff

‘JESUS H. CHRIST’ Signature Appears on Disinvite Vice President Pencil Petition

Shortly after Rev. JayJay I. Jaykins, C.S.C.’s announcement that Vice President Mark Pencil would be speaking at the class of 2017’s commencement, an online petition began circulating to reverse the decision and rescind Pencil’s invitation. The petition, which denounces Pencil’s stance on immigration, human rights and environmental issues, has already garnered hundreds of student, faculty and staff signatures. One recent signature, though, has drawn major attention.

“I was scrolling through the list of names on the petition, and I was blinded for a second, like the screen brightness went way up or something,” says Tori Keller, a sophomore political science major and one of the petition’s authors. “There it was — JESUS H. CHRIST — in some crazy gold cursive script. I didn’t even know you could change the font on there.”

Thinking it was a prank, Keller and several others tried to erase the signature but were unable to do so. The Office of Information Technology was similarly unable to track the IP address of the signer.

“Whoever did this has unbelievable hacking skills. Like, divine,” says senior OIT employee Gus Bacon. “There’s nothing we can do.”

Word of the signature drove immense internet traffic to the petition since it appeared yesterday morning. Mounting pressure on the administration presumably resulted in today’s press release from University Spokesman Dennisandpaul Browns.

“I don’t know who this Jesus guy is, but we’re sticking with our guy Mark,” wrote Browns. “I suppose Mr. Christ thinks he can give a better commencement speech?”

Christ was not immediately available for comment.