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Alright, you ungrateful little TURDS. You did it. You actually made me do it. For a million years we’ve invited the President of the United States to come speak at your graduation (YOU’RE WELCOME), and you made me break that tradition. What’s next?? No more Eucharist at Mass?? Sure, why not? Who needs it??? #NotMyEucharist, am I right?!!?!?

So I invite Pencil, and does that satisfy you?? NoooOOOOooooOOooOOOOOoOOO!!!! You take the ONE PICTURE we have shaking hands and turn it into PORNOGRAPHY.

Don’t get me wrong — I can’t stand either of them. They’re the worst. But sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. You think I wanted to shake Charles Murray’s hand when he came to speak? NO, because I’m not a eugenicist. You think I wanted to be the face of CAMPUS FREAKING CROSSROADS?!!?!?!?! NO, because I’m not the MONEY GRUBBING ELF you THINK I am. You think I like being mocked mercilessly on your STUPID MEME PAGE??? NO. I’ve never even WORN a cowboy hat. I don’t know where you’re getting those pictures, and they have ALL hurt my feelings, but I LET YOU DO IT ANYWAY. You think I wanted to write an op-ed in the Floor Street Journal about transgender bathrooms, of all places?! NO, but I HAD TO, because a bunch of donors literally held me over my desk and bent my arm so far backwards until I cried “Uncle.” They still call me “Uncle Jaykins,” by the way, just in case you wanted some SUGGESTIONS for your STUPID MEMES.

The only thing I actually enjoy doing every day is sipping a nice cup of tea before I leave my home to be immediately, perpetually ASSAILED by you UNGRATEFUL SWINE. Because that’s what you DO. You lock away your strongest personal beliefs and let them slowly rot away at your conscience so that maybe, eventually, a donor will let you do something meaningful with their money.

I hope you’re pleased with yourselves.

Yours in Notre Dame,

Rev. JayJay I. Jaykins, C.S.C.

President, University of Notre Dame