Dunne freshman learns he has high cholesterol after Keenan Revue encourages him to get checked

Author: Senior Scholastic Staff


The 2017 Keenan revue was another successful show full of witty jokes, biting satire and half-naked men. As always, sketches addressed pertinent issues students face — gender and race relations, sexual assault, binge drinking and many others — and afterwards spurred campus wide discussion. For freshman architecture major and Dunne resident Bradley Sanders, it was a night that changed his life.

“The show was incredible. I laughed until my arteries hurt,” Sanders says. “But after a while, my buddies and I really started to think about what they were saying.”

One issue in particular stuck with Sanders, though — the fact that the students of Dunne Hall have high cholesterol.

“We honestly had no idea,” says Sanders. “I mean, they were so matter-of-fact about it. But most of us didn’t even know what cholesterol was.” Sanders and several of his Dunne friends went to South Dining Hall that night, and over their favorite meal of egg yolks and butter, they decided visit St. Liam’s.

The results were conclusive: All eight freshmen of Dunne section 2A were plagued with plaque buildup of the dreaded steroid-modified lipid molecule.

“It turns out I have a family history of hypercholesterolemia, Bobby has an underactive thyroid and Geno is type-II diabetic,” says Sanders. “Oh, and Darrel, he’s just a fat piece of s--t.”

At press time, the four friends were discussing how to decrease their long-term risk of heart attack and stroke.

“I’d just like to thank the men of Keenan Hall for encouraging us to get checked,” Sanders says. “I guess sometimes, laughter really is the best medicine.”