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Weeks of worry subsided a few Saturdays ago when the fine people of Legacy Village successfully hosted the Saint Patrick’s Day Darty. The event had been thrown into question after last year’s festivities “crossed a line” as “the police” said. But, praise be, this year’s partygoers were able to celebrate at the traditional location. That being said, the event likely didn’t alleviate any fears of legal action from the red-headed community or rising urea levels in the woods. So it is best to be ready to relocate in case Legacy’s hosting ability is called into question again.

God Quad

Since the powers-that-be determined the behavior at Legacy to be out of hand, perhaps the answer is just more oversight. The watchful eye of the Mother of God could prove to be a perfect solution. Rather than stumbling off into the woods, partygoers could immediately seek repentance at the Basilica. This location would also lead to untold riches for the LaFun Taco Bell, as crunchwraps and chalupas are devoured by the masses. It seems perfect to pair a quintessential Notre Dame event with the university’s most iconic location, but the high school tour groups may want to reschedule.

On the Lake

Nothing is stopping us from throwing a pool float into our shopping carts alongside the gallon jug and Mio. After some strained huffing and puffing, students can walk down to St. Mary’s Lake and just hop on in. Imagine the scene: hundreds of inflatable unicorns being ridden into the deep end under the beating afternoon sun. Will some overserved students slip beneath the waves, never to be seen again? Sure, but that's just the price of a good time. This location solves two of the Legacy party's biggest problems: law enforcement and bathrooms. NDPD is currently a landlocked organization, with no watercraft to its name. As for the bathroom, you can feel safe knowing the lake will be a few degrees warmer by the end of the day. The only problem is that the gingers will be stuck ashore, as everyone knows they melt upon contact with water.

Raclin Murphy Museum of Art

For a refined St. Patrick’s Day experience, students could swap their homegrown concoctions for a dyed green Chardonnay and stroll the galleries over at the art museum. Who wouldn’t want to spend their afternoon discussing the connotations of this, or the ramifications of that?

Notre Dame Stadium

An afternoon in the football stadium could create a more gladiatorial vibe. Dressed with all the pomp and flair of the Colosseum, the stands could hold the plebeians (undergrads) lounging with their wine (borgs) alongside the imperial suite of our fearless emperor, Fr. Bob. But what of the games? The gingers will no longer race, but instead do battle in the traditional style: to the death. Whichever red-headed warrior is left standing shall be crowned in laurels and awarded 50 flex points.