Top Five: Halloween Costumes

Author: Christian Kamm

Top Five: Halloween Costumes

1) Hockey Mom

What you will need: A Nickelback shirt (you can browse from a wide selection at your local Salvation Army), reading glasses and well-groomed hair, perhaps a pin or necklace with a cross and a megaphone if somehow available. If you have time, you can make a little white minivan out of cardboard that you wear around yourself so.

What your friends will think: They may only understand if they are Canadian.

What would happen if you tried to trick-or-treat: Rival moms will refuse to give you candy.

2) Nicholas Cage from Raising Arizona

What you will need: A white undershirt, an (preferably red and yellow) unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, a fake mustache (or real, if you gentlemen can will one to grow), a baby doll or a small object wrapped in white sheets to appear as a baby.

What your friends will think: Like the film, your costume may have just become a cult classic. Only those with an eye for eccentric humor can appreciate it.

What would happen if you tried to trick-or-treat: An occasional smile of approval, but mostly general concern, and possibly cops called on you.

3) An Actual Carroll Hall Student

What you will need: Any objects that will resemble survival gear (a walking stick is generally a good start), a T-shirt with “Carroll Hall” on it, if possible or a blonde wig; jeans with hiking/snow boots, a hiking backpack if you have one (if not any backpack will do), a water bottle, CamelBak or canteen; sunglasses with bandana and baseball cap for summer look or ski goggles and fur cap for the extreme winter look. Take a map with you (or make your own) and constantly consult it with frustration. Carry yourself with a general demeanor of exhaustion and desperation. 

What your friends will think: Yes, the joke has been made a thousand times, but this time it’s been visualized. Some students might not even think it’s a costume, and look upon you with pity and wonder yet again how far away Carroll really is.

What would happen if you tried to trick-or-treat: The joke would be lost on most people except the occasional alumnus. A kind soul might offer you food if you looked legitimately weary.

4) Fauxhemian

What you will need: The most obvious course of action would be to disappear with the other Fauxhemians for the day, eliminating the need for any costume. If for some reason you want to be seen, you should steal Buddy Holly’s glasses and denim or flannel. Guys, find a fake beard, and girls, piercings if you don’t have them already. Try to don a cross body leather satchel, etc. etc. 

What your friends will think: Why have you rolled up all your articles of clothing? Why did you stop caring about your hair?

What would happen if you tried to trick-or-treat: If you actually decided that such an activity was not too predictable, you would probably startle a number of homeowners who would wonder why a homeless person was knocking at their door.

5) Chav

What you will need: Some sort of old tracksuit, preferably Adidas (with sweatpants if you only find a tracksuit top), worn trainers with a bad color scheme, fake jewelry or ear piercings, baseball cap, Burberry worn at an obnoxious angle. If you can, use a dirty British accent that borders on indistinguishable and try to act “hard.”

What your friends will think: “Douche!”

What would happen if you tried to trick-or-treat: Most Americans would think you tried to dress up as a gangster and failed.