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Beautiful South Bend, land of river bends and terrible, terrible weather. Whether it is 4,000 degrees or minus 4,000 degrees, one thing is for sure: you have absolutely worn the wrong item. So here are five quick tips to make the best of it:

1. Transfer schools. The easiest and simplest solution is to simply move yourself as far away as possible. Have you looked into USC?

2. Marry a local meteorologist. They should be able to provide you the best and most relevant information on which iteration of terrible weather will come to pass on any given day.

3. Layers on layers on layers on layers. Put on at least six layers, from parka to tank top, and then take them off. Now back on again. Off. Now on. That’s pretty much the idea.

4. Go to God Quad and yell your anger at the higher beings in the sky. Really let loose, pay no heed to any nearby children, say anything you want. I mean anything. This is your chance to get God to change his mind. It may not help the actual weather but it’ll make you feel better.

5. Stay in bed. Don’t even bother trying. Stay in your safe place where the weather can’t hurt you. Let your tears lull you to sleep.