"

A month ago, I never would have believed it if somebody told me that I would soon be experiencing the horror stories that upperclassmen have been warning me about. Well, except for that one piece of advice where they said never to enter a relationship as a first-year because you will end up with no friends. Update: I am very single and have a good amount of friends.

Even before I was assigned to a residence hall, a sophomore asked me if I would get a scooter. It seemed to be the case that if I did not have one, I would either be late to class or run over by one.

Now that I am on campus, I find it unnecessary to have one because everybody on campus, except for me, walks at the speed of 15 miles per hour! Is everybody just late to class? Has their bicycle been thrown into a tree (yet another horror story and a reminder to keep it locked)? Are they racing to NDH for our dining halls' extremely dry chicken breasts? Or maybe it’s Huddle sushi they crave — which reminds us of the cautionary tale of having less than 300 Flex Points less than halfway through the semester.

I am currently living the dream of being stuck in a basement quad with a window view of the calves of passersby. I climb down my L-shaped lofted bed to take a shower that makes me smell like metal.

To replace that smell with the fresh scent of nature, a walk around the lake brings me to another horror story — the evil geese on this campus. Luckily, the adorable bunnies hopping around God Quad make up for these aggressive creatures. Oh — thank goodness I took my theology class before I stepped on the quad. That mystery remains unsolved.

The limitless horror stories of this school suggest that, perhaps, we should welcome the class of 2028 with something more hopeful.

"Hopscotch in front of the dome if you want all A's!"

"Go to Starbucks and greet someone you do not know, then buy them a drink if you do not want your professor to hate you!"

Ehh, probably won’t stick.