In a Second Coming earlier than any theologians could have predicted, our Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ, appeared at the semifinals of Bengal Bouts during the week of Feb. 26. Christ reportedly shoved an eager freshman aside, jumping into the ring with the hood pulled over His head.
Christ paced the ring a few times, and the roof of the Duncan Student Center split open to reveal a bright sunbeam. Sophomore bystander Connie O’Leary told a Scholastic editor, “This super loud voice came out of nowhere and started bellowing about this was His beloved son, and He was so pleased to watch Him beat up on some college punks.” After this proclamation from heaven, Christ removed His robe and flexed His pecs one at a time.
“That’s right homies, I’m back!” Christ shouted to the largely confused crowd. “Time to show y’all who the real boss of this campus is! I’m fighting the entire football team! I’ll take ‘em with my bare hands!”
As it turned out, only one member of the Notre Dame football team was present at the event that day: the backup kicker, P.J. Pilate, standing at the back of the room. Pilate looked around shiftily and then darted down the nearest staircase.
Christ screamed, “VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE,” at the top of His lungs and disappeared into thin air.
The roof of the Dahnke Ballroom resealed itself before the heavenly Father could be asked to comment.