Assuring his fellow classmate that “the brotherhood really makes it worthwhile,” freshman Hank Stevenson suggests that he really doesn’t mind having only one functioning showerhead on his floor. Stevenson, who entered Flaherty Hall today for a Principles of General Chemistry study session, has been desperately looking for someone with whom he can study ever since he failed the course’s first exam, his roommate reports. 

Realizing that the informative study session he envisioned was rapidly descending into small talk, Stevenson enthusiastically described that likely having viral diseases in all of the radiators really brings everyone in the dorm closer together through its comedic potential. “Besides,” he added, “they’ve had polio vaccines for years now.” 

Although Stevenson wasn’t excited when he first learned that he would be spending his college career living in what the College Confidential forums call a “derelict basin of dust and grime,” it’s now home to his “brothers for life,” his Facebook cover photo reveals. 

Sources confirmed that the pre-med first year from Akron, Ohio tried his best to appear unfazed by the cutting-edge fitness room and ornately decorated chapel while he and his newfound companion walked to the Flaherty study lounge. “Our sense of tradition is really incredible,” Stevenson remarked, “and we always … is that a stainless steel microwave?” 

Upon entering the 24-hour space, Stevenson held his iPhone 6S below the study table, shielding his chemistry companion from his Google search to confirm that yes, room and board expenses are the same for every residence hall at Notre Dame. 

When asked by his study partner about doing their homework in his dorm next week, Stevenson, reported to have been nervously fiddling with his left shirtsleeve, mumbled something about interhall soccer before clearing his throat and posing a question about electron orbitals.