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Thanks to new dining policies on campus, students can now use multiple swipes in one meal period. Dunne first year student Max McAllister decided to make the most of this new initiative by using a week’s worth of swipes during last Saturday’s breakfast period. 

McAllister swiped into North Dining Hall, walked directly to the computer station inside, and politely requested that his card be swiped 13 more times. “Some days one swipe just isn’t enough, you know?” McAllister explained through three cinnamon rolls that he had just masterfully crammed into his mouth only moments prior. “It’s game day. You have to fuel up! A whole day of tailgating on just ONE meal swipe? Are you out of your mind?!” 

McAllister’s friend and breakfast companion, Sarah Jones, seemed concerned about his decision. “I tried to tell him that each swipe was all you can eat, but he was too busy eating Frosted Mini-Wheats with his hands.” Jones glanced at her watch and said quietly, “Actually, I promised a friend I would be at a tailgate in 10 minutes. Can you make sure he gets home okay?” 

Meanwhile, McAllister barely noticed his friend’s absence. Instead, he was elbows deep in his third plate of eggs, explaining that he “just wanted to get his money’s worth” and lamenting the dining hall’s system of only serving certain foods during specific meal periods. “I know it’s 10 in the morning, but I could really go for some four-cheese pasta right now. Or some Swedish meatballs. Oh, God. I would kill a man for some Swedish meatballs.” 

When asked what he would eat for the rest of the week now that he was out of swipes, McAllister cheerfully responded, “Oh, easy! I’ll just spend the rest of my flex points on ramen at the Huddle. That should last me about three more days, and then I’ll just steal a ton of oyster crackers from Waddick’s.” 

McAllister was found the next morning passed out by the pizza station surrounded by shredded mozzarella cheese and using a wad of napkins as a pillow.